Thursday, 19 January 2012

Shiny And New

It's now the third week of January and I haven't set out my intent for the still new'ish year ahead. When I look back on 2011 it's like staring into the dank tangled undergrowth of a muddy wood or up a donkey's flatulent back side. Yes it was that life affirmingly good. So ta taa and good riddance to last year. I don't know about you but after all the decadence of Christmas week I'm usually too darn paggered (Yorkshire speak) for a New Years Eve celebration. Having said that I love the psychological watershed a new year beckons .......

By the end of the twelfth month I often feel like I'm trapped in a ramshackle room piled ceiling high with dusty disused furniture and mouse chewed cardboard boxes full of discarded rusting toys and sorry looking one eyed teddy bears. Then midnight strikes on the eve of New Year and I'm finally allowed to savour the Shiny and New Potion that is resting on a three legged table situated between the hypnotic ticking of an old oak grandfather clock and a skeletal coat stand. A door appears and I enter into a new cavernous room that is stripped bare of history. The sun's peachy rays warm and bathe the naked space through large sash windows.  The air is refreshingly clear and innocently scented with a newborn's delicate fragrance that invigorates my weary body.  I come back to life standing in the present and wondering what tomorrow may bring.


So the New Year always heralds a positive energetic shift for me and I gently switch gears. Ritualistically I always relish tearing out the diary pages of the old year from my filofax, yes I still own one, and replacing it with the virgin pages of the year ahead. I then calmly fill the empty dates with birthdays and planned holidays. So what will 2012 bring? My cranky bones tell me its going to be a better year than 2011. One thing I already know is that significant change is afoot as we are planning a migration from the 'anti tardis' to a larger abode in either the quieter suburbia of the home counties or possibly beyond. As long as there is less pigeon poo than London then I'll be a contented lady. A move is a big project. I also know that this year's underlying theme is about renewal and transformation and in the spirit of Kate On Thin Ice's inspirational Grooving Mums here are my plans.

Auf Wiedersehen Black Cloud
I had already identified that I was suffering from post natal traumatic stress and have healed much of this thanks to trauma focused EMDR therapy. However it wasn't until the end of last year that I finally admitted I've additionally been floundering in the turbulent waves of depression. I know I'm getting better because I'm acknowledging that I haven't been well, not just to myself, but to those around me as well. I'm also prone to SAD during Winter's short days and experienced a nose dive last December in which I couldn't muster the inspiration to write about anything. I'm contemplating taking a course of anti-depressants but I still see this option as a last resort and would prefer to lift my spirits by ....

  • Drinking plenty of water
  • Eating a diet full of fresh fruit, veg, whole grains and supplementing this with mood stabilising nutrients like vitamin B12 and evening primrose oil 
  • Taking steps to ensure I have better quality sleep
  • Swimming, yoga, tai chi and walking
  • Some mind fullness and meditation
  • Having a go at some hip shaking Zhumba
  • Acupuncture which I hope will balance out my hormone levels
  • Writing honestly about my experience of PND, so stay tuned! 

Empire Building
Last year I set about rebuilding my therapy practise. I am deeply passionate about my work. I have rooms to see clients, a website to promote my skills and all my administration sorted.  However I am currently only seeing one client and things aren't looking rosy. Business isn't materialising and I think this is down to two salient reasons.

  • I am not ready to take on the emotional demands of more clients just yet as I need to administer alot more TLC on myself first. Additionally, I am a big believer in the universal law of attraction and the add age 'where attention flows energy goes', and I'm currently paying more attention to writing. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something?
  • We are potentially moving home this year and my intuition keeps signalling that it might be best, in the short term, to put things on hold until I have established some solid roots. Add to this that my childminder is moving away from London this Summer it's starting to feel like fate is telling me the timing isn't right.
  
So I have some decisions to make. I'm going to try and find a new childminder, continue to network and market myself but if nothing happens I'm just going to have to wait. This feels like a lesson in trust, patience and self belief that it will eventually happen when I'm ready. It may be that I have to volunteer for a charity again or find work in the NHS.   

Relationships
My relationship with Younger Dad needs a serious romantic rebooting. Although we knew it was going to be hard work our relationship still buckled under the strain unleashed from Little A's relentless demands and my trauma/depression. So some couples therapy might be a creative move to get us back on track. I can't help thinking it's still a bit of a conversational taboo talking to other couples in a similar position about the parental relationship after the arrival of a baby. Everyone appears to put on a brave face. We did. No one really tells you. And the NCT classes certainly didn't. Unsurprisingly statistics are high for divorce after the first child. 

Writing
Last year I set up Older Mum as an informative resource but then found myself writing about everything other than stuff to do with older mums. So the beginning of this year I made the decision to keep my personal blogging separate from the original site. I'm going to refurbish Older Mum and continue to publish related articles. This blog however is all about me ME me ME and I want to aim to post at least once a week. But, and this is a big skyscraper sized BUT, I don't want blogging to overtake my life like it almost threatened to last year. This would be a very unhealthy situation and make Younger Dad feel rather annoyed and put out. Twitter will be at the bottom of my priority pile. I have committed to attending the BritMums blogging conference which I am both nervous and excited about. I know I'm going to feel like a tiny nipper in a mightily huge pond.      

Reclaiming My Body
This is the year that 'baby milk' and booby comforting has to finish. I have let Little A suckle now for two years and I have reached my limit. Quite how I am going to do this is anybodies guess but if you have any clever ideas I am all ears!

18 comments:

  1. Hello wonderful woman. Well done you for articulating so eloquently what you want to achieve for this year. I hope the clarity of thought represents itself in life too.
    I do think that it is not uncommon for couples to go through a tough patch after the birth of a first child. It is a massive readjustment. The difficult bit is finding the time and emotional energy to set about making it right, and when you're sleep deprived, breast feeding and dealing with depression as well as dealing with all the other grenades that everyday life hurls out, it's easy to let it slip to the bottom of the pile. Good for you for making it a priority.
    x

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    1. Ah thank you. Yes, we need to focus on and make alot more time for our relationship - fingers crossed! Things are better than they were a year ago anayway which is a step in the right direction.

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  2. The more of your posts i read the more simular we seem. I think the move sounds like a really good plan a fresh start is always good to shake that dark cloud. We are moving at the moment and it feels like another door is opening literally and that the timing is right. Im trusting the universe too workwise, like you though about having 2 blogs but have decided for now to do a weekly post on interiors on my personal blog. Would a weekly older mum feature post work for you otherwise blogging could take over your life again.
    Take care
    Cat x making it as mum

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    1. I hope your move is going well and isn't too stressful! I would like to blog x1 per week on this blog and then on my other site dedicated to 'older mums' I was thinking a post every fortnight or so. That could work .....

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  3. Nobody does tell you about couples' challenges in the first year of parenthood, you're absolutely right! Good luck with reinjecting some romance into things a bit.

    Our little boy self weaned (much to my utter astonishment) last month. It can be done - good luck!!

    mammasaver

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    1. No they don't do they? He self weaned - brilliant - that's the ideal situation - here's hoping!

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  4. Great set of aims for the new year! Particularly like Empire Building, that sounds like it will keep you busy for a while. I think it's a great idea to keep a separate blog that's just about you. I hope a post a week proves feasible for you as I look forward to what you write. Glad the black cloud is starting to lift. Hope this new year brings you more clarity of thought. Polly x

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    1. Yes, me too - I'm certainly in a better place than I was this time last year X

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  5. A lovely post - I'm impressed with what you have planned for this year, its definately not going to be a quite year for you. As for the trumatic birth (I am asuming) and the depression I can totally empathise and you will find blogging about it helps, even if it lets you know others feel the same. I'm looking forward to seeing how your year goes. Take Care x

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    1. Thank you! Yes, you are absolutely right - I experienced a traumatic birth and ensuing emotional complications! Yes, a busy year indedd!

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  6. Thank you! No, I think its going to be a very busy year and I intend to blog some more about my emotional struggles.

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  7. Sounds like you've got a good plan and you're sounding rally positive and easy to face the year ahead.

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  8. Sorry it published before could edit. Hope you manage to do everything you've planned.

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    1. No worries! I'm going to have a positive rally! Care to join me? Hope I am able to execute best intentions!

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  9. Your use of visuals at the beginning of the post are so powerful. You seem to have a very clear vision of where you want to be this year. Don't they say that's half the battle? I'm not so sure that it's half... but you need to know where you want to go or you'll never get there! I weaned at 2 years too... at lease they're old enough to explain it to, even if they don't like it too much! Good luck.xo

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    1. Thank you! Just started to push the agenda a la weaning - we are moving in the right direction. Fingers crossed!

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  10. This is beautifully written - great descriptions - I feel just like that on New Year's Day (after the wine after-effects are gone!)

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  11. Thank you! Yes, in the attempt at visual prose I omitted the after affects of the night before!

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