Tuesday, 12 June 2012

100 Word Challenge - Electrifying

David's laptop bag collided with the primal force of rush hour commuters jostling on the escalator.

He felt himself shoved and carried along the alimentary passageway that broadened onto the belly like chamber of the platform.

There's a real buzz about this place David thought.

He battled passed back packs and down turned faces until he reached the edge.

David tipped his weight forwards.

The train approached remorselessly.

Then. A pause. What was he thinking of?

He'd begun to straighten when his back made contact with a stranger's forceful limb. A hand? An elbow?

David barely registered the push. He lost balance and fell onto the electrified path.

Beaten.


I'm linking up with JB47's 100 Word Challenge. This week's prompt was ... there's a real buzz about this place ...




42 comments:

  1. Sounds like a bit of counter espionage going on here! Very - dah dah dah DA!

    Thank you for joining this week. Perhaps there are more episodes to be written?!

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    1. Exactly! Oh yes, there will be!

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  2. Blimey, poor chap! Bet there was even more of a buzz when he hit the live rails!

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    1. I know, and thank you for spotting the irony!

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  3. This one gave me shivers. So many questions to be answered: who was David? why was he considering it? why did he change his mind? who pushed him? This one definitely needs to be expanded!

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    1. I hope the shivers have stopped. This is an ever expanding story. More back story needed to fill in the detail aswell.

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  4. Oh my goodness. Makes me glad that I am not a commuter! Well written piece :)

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    1. Thank you. The underground often makes me shudder - so close to death!

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  5. Oh no, how awful, I am genuinely shocked by the end - brilliant story well done.

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    1. Thank you. Yes, it was a bit grisly - playing with one of my fears - the London Underground.

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  6. Thise underground platforms really frighten me when they are crammed with rush-hour commuters. Once there was a ticket inspectors strike and a train drivers strike on the same day. At 5.30pm more and more people were pouring onto the platforms at Padington Stn. No one was stopping them go in and no trains were coming because of the strike. I'd come in from Bristol but I turned around and took a taxi to Edgeware. The taxi cost more than my return fare to Bristol but I didn't care - there was no way I was going to risk getting crushed on the platform or pushed onto the rails. Happily none of my fears happened.

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    1. Well you made the right decision there. Over crowding on the underground frightens me too. Such a risk. I just don't like being crammed next to so many people. Who cares if that taxi ride was more expensive - at least it was alot safer!.

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  7. I had to read the last couple of lines again to take in the words 'forceful' limb. My expectation inititally was that someone was there to save him. Alas, for poor David, not to be. Great twist at the end!

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    1. Thank you. I know. Poor soul. I am wandering how to weave in more of his back story. Will be interesting to see where this story goes now.

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  8. GSussex
    Wow, interesting piece with depth and different angles. I would enjoy hearing what led up to the event.

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    1. Thank you. I am thinking of interesting ways to include more of his back story

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    1. I know ... short but sweet, although may be not in his case!

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  10. Hats off to you missus, that's some nifty writing! I dream of being able to write like that ... *salutes*

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    1. Thank you, you are a star, I'm hoping to write some fiction one day.

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  11. How original is this! My heart was in my mouth half suspecting what was coming, but it was still shocking when it happened. Very well done.

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    1. Thank you. I enjoyed writing it. Made me confront my fears about London Transport!

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  12. This bought back all my old fears from when I used to commute. Made me shiver. Great writing, took me straight there. Polly

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    1. Thank you. Made me feel quite uneasy too. I am not a fan of the Underground at all. You could so easily fall onto the tracks. Shudders.

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  13. I found this a little creepy. It's excellently done. x

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    1. Thank you Susan, I hope you are joining in this week.

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  14. Yep I'm with Susan, creepy but very clever and ironic!

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    1. Thank you. I'm not a fan of the Underground!

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  15. Poor David. I am so glad I don't commute anymore.

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    1. Its not the most pleasant of experiences is it?

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  16. Electrifying? Horrifying! ;)

    I wonder if this is an accident, or if there's a backstory - it almost sounds as if the stranger's push was deliberate?

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    1. Backstory ... most definitely! Was it a push? We shall see!

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  17. Ooh a bit sinister! I look forward to the next installment.

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    1. I love where the prompts take this story!

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  18. poor guy! takes me back to when i used to commute! well done! x

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    1. Thank you! I really don't like the underground. Always gives me the creeps!

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  19. Ooooh! Don't stop there!!

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  20. Wow, didn't see that coming with the seemingly everyday descriptions at the beginning. Well done!

    Brian

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    1. Thank you. Glad I didn't make the set up too obvious.

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  21. DancingInTheRain19 June 2012 07:11

    Written really well. Draws you straight into the story. Originally from the North, I've always been a bit wary of standing to close to the edge when traveLling on the Tube in London. I wasn't expecting him to be considering suicide with laptop in hand and was then shocked to read what happened by accident once he changed his mind. Only after reading others' comments did I realise that your choice of body part (hand) suggests something sinister. My own fear of accidents there caused me to totally disregard the hints you gave.

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    1. Thank you for your lovely comment. The underground makes me feel very nervous too. Especially over crowded platforms.

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