Auf Wiedersehen Black Cloud
Finally, finally, finally I can see a ray of bright, hopeful light at the end of a dark alien tunnel. The first two years of Little A's life were challenging to say the least. I suffered from a punishing cocktail of post traumatic stress and depression. But something is afoot. I'm feeling buoyed. More confident. A little more of the old me escapes into the everyday tasks and familiar routine. I still have crotchety days. Days where I feel hopeless and diffident about the future. But these are becoming fewer and far between. The intrusive thoughts have diminished. The anxiety has lessened. I'm shaking off the heavy shackles that kept me in a fearful, and at times terrified place. I have more energy and enthusiasm. More resilience. I'm breathing again. Ending the hormonal roller coaster of breastfeeding certainly helped as did taking a course of St Johns Wort. Additionally the longer Spring days always imbue me with a greater zest and positivity.
Back in February Little A and I finished our two year breastfeeding relationship. Not only do I feel proud about breastfeeding for this length of time but also in the gentle way I weaned my little girl. Reclaiming my body has heralded a physically new me. Over the last month or so I've bought new bras, pants, t-shirts, tops, trousers and a fetching pair of Converse trainers. Hell, I've even had a haircut. The Pendulati, my bothersome boobs, haven't returned to their manageable pre pregnancy size. This is very unfortunate. I am not happy possessing a spine bending GG cup. Thank God for under wired bras. Little A still harbours fond memories of 'baby milk' judging by the way she wraps her arms around the Pendulati and burrows her head in their fleshy mass when we bathe together. The other evening she caught me off guard by asking whether she could have some "booby milk". I thought she would've forgotten by now. It has been three months after all. I gently reminded her that my milkshakes no longer bring the babies to the yard.
At the beginning of the year I decided it would be sensible to only see a few clients in my therapy practise. This was the right decision given where I was emotionally. Now that I am in a much stronger, grounded place I would like to build my practise. But life seems to conspire against this goal. Firstly we are preparing the flat for sale and unsure of the location for our next home. We are also undecided as to whether we rent or buy our next property. Secondly Little A's childminder is leaving London the beginning of August. As of yet I have no backup childcare plan although I am considering a few local nurseries. Finally, aside from Little A, most of, if not all my creative energy, is subsumed by writing. So until we are resettled and I have a committed childcare plan I think it wise to stick with seeing just a couple of clients. Best to keep my therapist skills ticking over for now and build my practise at a later point when I'm on more solid footing.
Writing has gifted me such a creative outlet. I have two blogs, this one, and Older Mum. I haven't had the time to invest as much as I would have wished on Older Mum. My current thinking is that this project can grow by degrees over the coming years. Still its led me down some interesting alleyways of late. Older Mum In a Muddle though is my real passion. I am very happy with what I've written over the last six months. And I truly think I'm starting to discover my blogging voice, if there is such a thing. I think my writing has improved too. Incidentally, the on line thesaurus has become my new best friend. Best of all I'm really enjoying 'penning' my Once Upon a Time stories. In fact the back story of my DJ alter ego, Tantra, has inspired an idea for a novel. Yes, I'm seriously considering writing a lengthy piece of fiction. Best to write what you know about right? So given my love of music and psychology I'm thinking something along the lines of a psychological thriller set in the 90's house music scene. The protagonist and heroine is surprise, surprise a DJ. I'm currently reading a great book by David Baboulene, 'The Story Book'. I also need to read some books on character development. Can you recommend any good books on writing fiction? I don't know when I'm actually going to sit down and write this. I'm hoping I might have an opening when Little A turns three and starts nursery.
So as it goes, this year is bumbling along quite nicely. I could do with exercising more and not helping myself to seconds of cheerios, cheesecake and custard, not altogether of course.
And ... Its my first bloggerversary soon and to celebrate I'm treating myself to a make over of this blog. So keep your eyes pealed!