Friday 28 September 2012

Why Do I Blog?

I'm feeling a little out of sorts to day. I had a dream last night in which I punched holes, large and gaping, through the walls of my flat (Younger Dad won't forgive me). And I'm starting to realise this might be linked to something I've been mulling over, a question that keeps swimming to the front of my mind, and won't go away, the question is this ...

WHY DO I BLOG?  

Recently it's felt a lot like hard work. Like all the colour has rinsed out of my enthusiasm, and ideas. I've lost something ... some sparkle ... now what's the word I'm looking for? ... some SPONTANEITY. This morning I was re-reading a few of my very first posts, like this one, and this one. And you know what? I felt rankled. My writing was so free, so much more in the moment, unplanned. And something of that magic dust has lost itself somewhere, somehow. Don't get me wrong, I like the style in which I write, it's detailed, it's descriptive, but if I'm really honest with myself, I think it's lacking a little life. A little chutzpah. Maybe I'm just having a bad day... 

Lately, I've become a little too obsessive with prose, and words, and sentence structure, and like the dream, I need to take a hammer to the self inflicted walls I've imposed upon myself... And smash my tendency to perfectionism (it's taken hours writing some posts). And smash through my tendency to self criticism. 

Break on through to the other side sister.

Then there's comments. In the early days no one commented on my posts. No one. And there was something quite liberating in that. I could really write what I wanted. No need to impress (self imposed). No expectations. Nothing. Now I do love comments. The more the merrier (keep the blog love coming). I really appreciate the support, and the new friendships I've gained (my readers are lovely). And, it satisfies the narcissist in me - that self interested part that likes the external mirror to say, 'you're okay'. But I have noticed a subtle pull in my compulsion to write - do I blog to write or do I blog for comments? For the approval? For the affirmation? Of course I blog to write, but inkling tells me I need to step away from the attraction to the latter. That's not a healthy reason to pen a post.

So, why do I blog? Why do I spend hours in front of a flat screen? Well, it was never my original intention. The reason I started my first blog was to make some extra cash (don't snigger), but then I discovered the joys of the written word. And I couldn't stop. Plain and simple. Blogging has helped me to work through the residues of traumatic birth, depression, has helped to reconnect my mind and body, to excavate treasure from my thoughts, my imagination, to re-route my creativity, and to feel human and intelligent again after the birth of my beloved Little A. In a nut shell, and not to sound too cliched, I blog to both find and re-invent myself. I blog to breath. And now, blogging offers a blank canvas, a public tool for learning to write, a hope that I might dare to pen a lengthy story one day...

Writing this felt like a breath of fresh air. I really, really needed to do this. It's the most impromptu post I've written in a long while. (and it only took me 45 minutes).

Time to put a cuppa on, and spell check.


30 comments:

  1. I so hear you on this ~ blogging through the aftermath of a traumatic birth, snap X

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    1. Thank you - it really helped to come to terms with everything that happened!.X.

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  2. We seem on the same wave length, a similar thought had been pestering me. I imagine your blog will be a great legacy for your children too particularly #once upon a time

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    1. I've wondered if it's an effect of the Summer ending - also questioning where my blog now stands - and why I'm doing it - and my approach to it.

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  3. It's funny how we all come up against this question: Why do you/I blog? No one would think of asking someone, why do you play Tennis three times a week or why do you do so much cooking. Obviously, as with any other hobby, we enjoy it and it gives us something that e.g mountaineering wouldn't even though it hits the spot for some people.

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    1. Good point. So very true - we would never think to ask that question of any other activity. At the end of the day I blog because I enjoy it, and the interaction with the wider community ...

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  4. I love blogging, I have 3. 2 that's just mine and one I get paid to write on. I love it, it's an outlet:) Have a great weekend.

    http://oddparent.blogspot.dk/

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    1. Thank you! This blog is my 'creative writing', 'personal blog', the other is an information blog (I have advertising etc on that site).

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  5. I think the very nature of blogging means you have half an eye on the audience and the response. Otherwise why choose to write in a public arena rather than a private journal? I regard it in a similar way to journalism: obviously I choose subjects I want to write about and these tend to be domestic situations, but I try to make sure they'll have relevance to most people reading by them. The personal, unformed ramblings I keep for my diary - although even then I worry about opinions after my death!

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    1. Another very good point, and some good writing advice (bonus). You are right of course, why blog if you don't want others to read and comment. And there is a balance to be struck between personal content and audience relatability.

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  6. I can identify with lots of what you say here. Blogging has reignited my love of writing, got my brain cogs turning again and allowed me to engage with and build relationships with some fab people.

    When I started, it was a kind of therapy. I was bored at home and blogging was a creative outlet and hobby that fitted in easily. As time has gone on,my reasons for blogging have evolved. I feel at one with my SAHmumness now, and instead, I see my blog as a memoir to look back on one day.

    Comment love/ page views/ stats etc are all part of the mix, and it is human to be aware of them, check them, want them. I do! Lately I've noticed my page views are down - does it bother me? A bit but not overly. I've only got so much time in the day, and I don't regularly tweet my posts / PR them as much as I could.

    I see your blog as having two strands really. The Once Upon a Time and 100 word challenge stuff, and the day to day subject matter - the flotsam and jetsam. We all want to publish good content but if it's taking the fun out of it, then just let the flotsam and jetsam flow, and pretty soon, I'm sure doing that will feel like second nature. You can always concentrate on refining posts more for the OUAT and 100 word challenge stuff. I guess this is all part of the learning curve of being a writer. Learning to bang out the prose isn't easy :0) I'm reading my words here thinking...I need to try and follow some of my own advice. x

    Final words. I LOVE your blog.

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    1. Firstly a BIG thank you for your very thoughtful comment. Big blog LOVE right back atcha! You're right - blog content grows and changes all the time, and blog PR does take up a lot of energy. And I think you are correct in your observation that there is a 'creative writing strand' and 'an every day strand' to this blog. I'm putting myself under a lot of pressure to 'bang out' prose for every single post I do - I think this was one of the underlying points I was trying to make in this post - that I need to loosen up my letters and just write ... write about the flotsam and jetsam as it comes to me, in that moment! X.

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  7. I agree blogging is a wonderful way to make sense of your world, and sometimes comments can validate and comfort the experiences you have. Keep writing freely, keep writing like you are telling your best friend in the kitchen, it makes it easier, and joyful x

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    1. I do really enjoy the comments, as you say, they are comforting, and validating. And BTW I really liked what you said about writing as if you are having a conversation with your best friend. X.

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  8. I think that you can tell you have spent a long time over your posts - i always love reading them and they are always, punctuated and spelt correctly, and beautifully formed. I don't think there is anything wrong with having that as a goal but I know what you mean about spontaneity, it's not always easy, especially if you over-think the outcome or how it is going to be received. I usually spend ages over a post, I pride myself in trying to get it 'right' and often re-read and change it, even after publishing! Keep writing just as you are, I love it!

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    1. Thank you for your lovely and supportive comment Suzanne. I do have a bad habit of over thinking posts (that takes the fun out of it), and then, like you, I often re-correct them after they have been published. Proof reading takes an age. I think my aim now is to be a little easier on myself and a lot more spontaneous! X.

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    2. I love this impromptu blog. And your comment about whether we blog to write or blog for comments got me thinking. I mainly blog because I love writing but then again it gives me a real lift when someone comments on what I've said.

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    3. Thank you! I agree - I love writing too, and any comments are a lovely bonus! :o).

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  9. I love your blog. What keeps me coming back is that I slowly but surely feel like I am getting to know you and just as you become friends with something in real life, you start to wonder how they are and what they're up to. Yes, I think you write wonderfully well but that's not what makes me read. I'm interested in the average day to day stuff, how you're feeling, what Little A is up to. Grammar, punctuation, spelling, sentence structure ... it's all a bit secondary.

    I write for a living but on behalf of the senior leadership at the company that I work for. It means I write for different personalities and different nationalities. When I write my blog, it's freedom to be myself and not to sit and try to capture what a fifty year old German man wants to say to his employees. Be it thoughts quickly captured or on the odd occasion, something a little more descriptive. I write for myself and but am over the moon when someone stops by to read.

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    1. Thank you! It's lovely getting to know you too! It's really nice to know that you are interested in the day to day life of me & Little A - I should write more about that stuff. Your job/career sounds interesting - are you in house PR/communications? I think that's what I was trying to say in my post - free myself up and be myself (I don't have to hide behind descriptive prose all the time - although I love writing it)and just write for me! X.

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    2. Yes, I work in Internal Communications for a rather large company. My career has been mostly plagued with restructuring and cost reduction initiatives so I've become very good at dealing with doom and gloom.

      Carry on writing just for you - you do a great job!

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    3. You see that's another reason why you write so well on your blog - you need the space for penning things other than corporate b*ll Sh*t!

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    4. You mean things like 'employees are our are greatest asset' and 'our company's performance is only as good as that of the people working for it'. I have many other gems to share ;-)

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    5. Ha, ha, ha - That's exactly what I mean!

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  10. Your blog and written word is fantastic and I love to read your posts. I went through the same 'blog crisis' a little while ago (just before Britmums actually). I felt I was too caught up in trying to make my blog into something, but I didn't know what. So I took a break for a little while after BM and through the holidays and now I have come back to the blogsphere, I feel reinvigorated for writing once again.xxx

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    1. Thank you! I think I need to stop placing such high expectations on myself and just get on with it, and get my thoughts down. There are some posts I can be more lyrical, and there should be some - well alot more - where I'm not pfaffing too much with imagery! So writing this post really helped! X.

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  11. I think your blog is lovely: intelligent, well written and thoughtful. I've also been wondering why I blog, but I really missed it when I had a month off over the summer. It's nice to have a creative adult outlet when days are otherwise filled with nappies and nonsense! x

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    1. Thank you! Sometimes I really need to step away from the computer, from blogging, but after a break I feel I'm ready to go again. Totally agree - its great to have a creative outlet other than toddler talk! X.

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  12. I expect you blog for different reasons at different times, but none of us minds, why you do, we're just glad you do. Sorry for the delay - this got lost in my in box XX

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    1. On no worries - thank you for your lovely comment - I'm very glad you like that I do. X

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