Tuesday 2 July 2013

I Heart You

When I arrived at the front door I paused. Only a forty minute bridge between another world and domesticity. I looked at the swag bag leaning against my calf. A vivid green dinosaur, a box of Special K, biscuits, children's books. And what lay behind the red door? Piles of washing? Toys strewn over the floor? And as my feet walked over the threshold, I heard the screaming. Little A. Younger Dad - upset I'd come home to this, his face sagging - pleaded with that look in his eyes - 'please put her to bed, please?' My first thought, 'aagghh', my second, 'do I have to do this?' I barely had 48 hours of chatting and cake eating and tea drinking behind me. And so I kissed my girl good night in a daze, my head still in the froth and buzz of the event at The Brewery.



My first weekend away without Little A. And Younger Dad did me proud. They got through the night. A sleeping team. He managed one wash, the clothes basket still next to the machine, a limp shirt arm hanging over the rim. There were fewer toys scattered around than I anticipated. But no sweeping, that critical watershed chore - a marker of the end of day, the beginning of the evening. Still the boy done good.

When I finally sat down, we poured out the contents of the goody bag onto the laminate floor - the moon shaped hazel nut thins demolished within minutes, a surprise pile of books and toys left on the table for Little A. And then something happened, I experienced a kind of shell shock. All that build up, counting down the weeks, the days, and then nothing. What next? What was I aiming for now? In my despondency I bought next year's ticket. I wanted to do it all over again.There and then.Younger Dad looked at me incredulously like I'd swallowed a mardy wasp and a hairy goat - you've bought next years ticket already? And after all the excitement of meeting a literary agent, reading a post to 500 willing (I hope) listeners, I just couldn't get it together over the following days, like reacting to the concertinaed effect of a long haul flight. Emotionally jet lagged. I didn't read much. I didn't write much. I didn't do anything very much. It's been hard to let go....

....of all the inspiring and supportive bloggers I hung out with, and met for the first time. Will I have to wait another twelve months before I see everyone again? I truly hope not. Laughing, sharing, hugging, joking, it makes the whole thing so real. Not some social media illusion. When I place my palm flat on the computer screen, I know yours is touching behind. Friendship.

And this year I didn't attend many workshops. There was a technical expert who spoke so fast, his head too small for the fizz-bang-whizz of thoughts, I wondered how he slept at night. Instead, I caught up with friends and ate biscuits. There wasn't enough cake though. No, not enough. I bemoaned the lack of chocolate brownies during the breaks. One needs sponge in hand -  thick slices of madeira or lemon drizzle - to pace oneself through serious hours of chatting and networking. I even missed a paddling pool sized portion of trifle at lunch.

There was a mother, brave and hurting. I watched her from afar. A thick chocolate brown bob. Clear, youthful skin. An open, welcoming smile. I wanted to say hello. To tell her how much I've held her in my thoughts. I couldn't muster the courage. I was too shy. Her sleeping babe among the stars. Beautiful, cherished Matilda Mae.
 
And then there was the Bloggers Keynote. The highlight. The irrepressible Katy Hill. An uplifting tribute to Kerry. Readings witty and poignant and powerful. And mine. That post. I did it. An emotional moment for me. To articulate my struggle after Little A's arrival to a roomful of silent listeners. I took a moment, inhaling a deep breath before I sang Happy Birthday.... and I think I hit the right note.



Britmums Live is a festival full of heart. You are never alone in your words. Not ever...

And it's become an annual milestone for me. This blog has come a long way since the conference a year ago. Where will I be in 2014? In my dreams, I know where I'd like to be. Let's wait and see.

Britmums Live, I heart you.

In fact, I heart you so much, I've bent a personal golden rule - only once mind - and included pictures of someone, dear reader, you might know!

63 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Thank you! Glad you felt so.... and you did too lovely! X.

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  2. Awww you make it all sound so brilliant. I wish I'd been able to come but I've some very lovely posts about it all and hope to go next year. Lovely photos too. And hello!!! That's the first time I've seen what you look like!

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    1. It was a fabulous weekend it has to be said. I hope you come next year, I would really like to meet you! Yes, it is the first, and probably the last - I don't intend to have any more photos of me on here, unless I win an award of course! :o).

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  3. Oh Sarah, I loved this and I WILL eat cake with your smiling face next year xxx

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    1. Thank you very much! Brilliant that you are coming next year! X. And we shall eat CAKE - lots of it! X

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  4. What an amazing post! Summed up the whole experience beautifully

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    1. Thank you very, very much! It was brilliant wasn't it?

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  5. I too came down with a bump last week! Your keynote delivery was brilliant, just perfect. I must buy my ticket for next year too, loved it, can't wait to do it again, looking forward to a longer chat next time, and of course hopefully visiting your book signing ;) x

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    1. I think I'm still bumping along! And thank you very much, I was so nervous before I got up on that stage! Hope you have your ticket now? Yes, defo longer chat next time! Book signing? In my dreams.... :o) X.

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  6. Great post. Wish I had gone. I will next year and hopefully will get to meet you x

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    1. Thank you. Wish you had been there, especially when you won, definitely next year though. X.

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  7. It sounds amazing. I heart you and I heart this post. That is all. x

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  8. i know what you mean with the swept floor! for me its coming back to the clothes all over the floor. I pick them up every day otherwise it turns into mount washmoore. he didn't and doesn't but he does an incredible job with our herd while im away. and i got back late enough that nearly all of them where in bed! lol

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    1. Mount Washmoore - that made me laugh! Younger Dad did do a great job with Little A. Great that they were all in bed when you got back! :o).

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  9. This is a lovely post. I found it hard to pick myself up again after BritMums. I wish I could've met you, maybe next year x

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    1. Thank you very much! It took me a good week to get over it! Such a shame we didn't meet. Next year - defo! X.

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  10. Well if the 'boy done good'then the boy can definitely do it again! Sounds like an amazing 2 days and how wonderful to catch up with yor blogger buddies at Britmums. Congrats on the keynote too.
    Is that your lovely face in the photo?!

    xx Jazzy

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    1. Yes he certainly can! It was a fantastic two days - why don't you come next year? That is indeed my face - aaaggghhh! X.

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  11. You were fab at Britmums. I've bought next years ticket too x

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    1. Thank you so much! See you next year too! X.

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  12. Beautiful - a fitting tribute to an exciting weekend. So pleased we got to meet and so gutted I missed those keynotes! If I do come next year I'll be staying 2 nights! x p.s. fabulous pics :)

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    1. Thank you very much! Yes, I was dead chuffed to meet you too - shame we didn't have longer. I hope you do come again next year - and it has to be a two night stay - a bit of recovery time! :o).

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  13. Indeed, your keynote was spot on. I'm really only just recovering from BritMums now. I definitely want to go back again next year - and to eat cake and chat more with you! Great post x

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    1. Thank you very much! I am just getting over it too! It would be great if you return again next year - then we can have a proper natter over tea nd cake. Thank you. X.

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  14. Sounds like a fabulous weekend - I am going for the first time ever next year so hope to be able to say hello if I don't feel too shy on the day ;-) x

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    1. It really was. Hooray - you are coming next year - will be great to meet you. Don't worry, we all feel nervous. X.

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  15. I am glad you bent this personal golden rule... Love your smile on that last photo.
    Fabulous post, it makes me want to attend next year even more.
    Any news on the literary agent? xx

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    1. Thank you. I can't remember which part of the reading this was? It might have been the end - glad to have it all done with! No news yet - I am expecting it will take weeks until she gets back to me. They probably read through so many manuscripts per day. Not holding my breath though! X.

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  16. Was lovely to meet up with you again. You're right - it's never long enough. It was an amazing event on both days for you and I am honoured to have witnessed the first major success, gutted to have missed the second, but waiting for the video of it. A beautiful post. Proud to know you and call you my friend :) xx

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    1. Like wise lovely lady! First major success? Well I'm not holding my breath - not heard any thing as of yet. But the second day with the reading was huge! Thank you. And the feeling is entirely mutual lovely, lovely friend. X.

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  17. Your keynote was SPINE TINGLING!!!! When you sung Happy Birthday, it was like being TRANSPORTED into the room of a birthday party, whilst also being in the hospital during a C-section! It was so evocative it gave me shivers.

    Movie people struggle to do that and you just did it with pauses and tone! You are as good a reader as you are a writer.

    Well done that woman.

    I was also in a fog for DAYS after the event and lonely, wishing we could be in that bubble for longer JUST. A. Little. Bit. LONGER!

    I am not surprised you call this post I heart You, as the HEART energy at that event was just flowing flowing flowing - it was such a high vibration. I feel vibes which is NORMALLY a curse, but that weekend it was TRULY a blessing :-)

    Liska xx

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    1. Thank you so much Liska, that's wonderful feedback. It was hard to tell when I was up on that stage. All I could see and hear was silence!

      Again, thank you so much. I did practice it quite a bit before the day though, and familiarised myself with the 'two tones of voice' I needed to read it with. It was quite tricky!

      It has taken me over a week to readjust myself - such a powerful two days.

      And totally agree with you about the heart energy - it was very open and warm over those two days.

      X.

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  18. You SO hit the right note. Even now reading this back I can feel the same goosebumps I got when you read out your Keynote.

    I too felt deflated the next day. Nobody in Costa ran up to me and gave me a hug, or even knew who was.

    They do at Britmums. As I said in my post Britmums write up "Britmums is like Cheers. It's where everyone knows your name".

    here's to 2014.

    But also here's to doing something before then because I can't wait 12 months either!

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    1. Thank you very much lovely! It was hard to tell the impact my reading was having when I was stood up on that stage. All I could see were heads. All I could hear was silence and my voice....

      It's taken me well over a week to get over Britmums Live - that says everything for the impact it had on me.

      2014 or bust! :o).

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  19. Wow! It sounds amazing. I have been so 'off blog' recently that I missed all the excitement. I always feel rubbish that I can't make it. I wish I had seen you there. Will there be video?

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    1. It was brilliant! Don't worry - I know you have had more important things to do like building your business!!!!! Maybe next year? I think there will be a video . :o).

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  20. What a lovely post, even though I wasn't there I heart you too xx Every time I go away now & in the past Mr S does a valiant job but it's back to reality once I step through the front door and "take over". Lovely to see you :)

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    1. Thank you very much! And you are coming next year! Wooohoooo! I think these photos will be the only ones on the blog :o).

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  21. I loved hearing you read your keynote, strange how a post that you've read that moved you can still stir the emotions as if reading it for the first time when you hear it. (I hope that makes sense - I know what I mean!)

    Twas a wonderful weekend and I must say of all the blogging conferences I've been to so far it had the biggest community feel of all by a mile x

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    1. Thank you lovely! I think I got what you meant if you know what I mean too :o). Fab weekend wasn't it? Such a great group of women (and men). X.

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  22. Bibsey there will be, I recorded it :-) xx

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  23. Well done you! I was so sad not to meet you, and I had to leave before the key notes in the end so I missed that too! :( Next year....

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    1. Thank you! We did meet albeit briefly :o) Always next year :o).

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    2. I am confusing you with Asturian Diary. We didn't meet :o(. Gutted. Hopefully there is next year! X.

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  24. I just love this - and you! You were fantastic during your recital and I was so pleased to meet you. I have to admit to feeling a little in awe of you, so was ever so slightly nervous about meeting you. I couldn't have been more wrong! You are lovely and I look forward to meeting you again next year....if not before! Can Britmums organise another mini one before then, perhaps in the South somewhere?! Great post :)

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    1. Thank you. And the feeling is mutual - it was lovely to meet you too! You were feeling nervous? I felt nervous meeting you for the first time too! Thank you lovely! :o).

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  25. Aww what a lovely post. Wish I'd been there. Sounds like an amazing few days xxx

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    1. I hope you come along next year! It was a brilliant couple of days X.

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  26. What a wonderful post that truly encapsulates an incredible weekend. I am so glad I got to meet you, albeit briefly, and hear you speak your wonderful words! I probably did too much, my head was buzzing after both days and when I got back :)

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    1. Thank you very much! Lovely to meet you too! I did too much too - it took me ages to recover :o).

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  27. It was lovely to meet you in Pizza Express and your keynote was amazing :-)

    xx

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    1. And you too my dear! Thank you very much :o). X.

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  28. You are so talented at putting the words I want to write on to write onto the page. I very much look forward to seeing you there again next year x

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    1. Thank you very much! Yes, me too! Unless I bump onto you before. X.

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  29. Gosh reading this makes me want to come next year ;) Fab photos too xx

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    1. Oh please come next year! I would love to meet you. Thank you! X.

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  30. Well, I'm reading this a whole 22 days after you wrote this (how un-social media is that?!) and wanted to say that your keynote astounded me with its brilliance in the craft of writing. I've come away thinking you were the best writer. Go on, blush, you're allowed! I so wish i could have met you and so many others who I found hard to find in the melee and Hub. That was my sadness - not being able to find so many people i'd like to have met, and people going off on Sat night to meals organised weeks/months before. I had a great evening with a friend I came up with and one of her blogger friends, but it would've been nice to have held the conference in a hotel that we all stayed in so we could easily meet up outside meetings. Anyway, just wanted to say how much we loved your keynote (even if we were all silent until the end - nerve wracking doesn't express it i'm sure!) S

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    1. No, not un-social media of you, very nice of you to take the time out and comment, so thank you very much indeed for such a wonderful comment! I am very glad you enjoyed my reading - and yes, I am blushing. I would have liked to have met you too, and there were many bloggers I didn't meet either :o(. Last year was my first Britmums conference and I experienced that same thing with blogger evening meet ups.... I hope that doesn't put you off coming again next year? Thank you for liking my keynote - and it was very nerve wracking!

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  31. Wish I'd been there too! Also wish I could get more blog posts written to justify it! Barely managing more than one a month at the moment. Don't know how you all do it. Still, I live in hope ... maybe next year, if I get my act together of course!

    So glad you had a lovely time. Phil and I went away for our first weekend without the kids last month. Twas bliss apart from the fact that I ended up sleeping in the car on account of his snoring. But that's one for a blog post methinks ...

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    1. Here's why I probably manage to do it..... I don't have three children (just the one) and I also don't have a fledgling PR business - I am right in that's what you're doing? If you can make it next year - that would be so fab! Great that you both got away and I can sooooooo relate to the snoring - have the same problems as you. Younger Dad is so loud!

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