Monday, 4 May 2015

The Pill Cutter


The daisies were all up - numerous, hundreds of the blighters - ahead of me, in my peripheral vision, squashed under foot.  If I'd begun counting them I would surely have sent myself to sleep. One... two... three... A delightful distraction, a cornucopia of jolly petals, they saw away the apprehensions, a few of the worries circulating around my head...

But what if this and what if that... and what if I end up the same again... and what if I can't cope... and the pms - what of that... but my hormones... my bloody hormones...what if it's a wasted effort... what if I have to start over again... but it's been nearly three years... I have to give this a try... I have to give this a chance... I have changed... my life has changed... I think I'm ready to give this a go.

I have bought a pill cutter to cut the pills. The blade is sharp and slices through the compounds like butter. I blow away the tiny specks, the afterthoughts of the blade. The dosage is accurate or near enough. A week ago I reduced the dosage from 20 mgs to 10 mgs but too much too soon; after five days I felt strange, out of body, tearful and nauseous. So I had to start again. I bought the cutter and increased the dosage to 15 mgs instead. It made the difference. I felt lighter, near enough okay, a little off kilter in the evenings - the chemicals wearing thin.

I am weaning myself off them, the anti-depressants, but gently, gently does it, tread with caution, tread with care; the side effects are like wild horses, untameable, uncontrollable. The best way forwards (for me) is slow and steady. After three years of artificially created stability (and very necessary) it will take time to reduce the dosage to nothing, maybe even a year or more. 15 mgs for four months, then 10, then five, then as small as the cutter can cut... to specks. It will take time for my brain to reset itself, like taking a month to walk down a small flight of stairs.

I don't want the illness to return (and I'm sure it won't). But I am nervous.

And I am headed towards that time of my life. No more blood. No more eggs... and the flippin' hormones, those raging harpies... but... but... but...

I have to give this a go. 

It doesn't sit well, no, no, not at all - the idea of being on medication long term. My poor, over worked liver needs a rest. I love the idea of a good night's sleep, free from the stimulation and the neon vivid dreams, dreams brighter and fresher than spring green grass, but too brilliant and too real (I won't talk about the nightmares). I have a structure in place. I have yoga and writing. I have a good diet and meditation. I have a plan...  

These pills have served me well. I needed them. They brought me to a better place, saw me through the tough times of trauma, stress and depression. I need to see where I stand now... I need to see a new lay of the land, count all those beautiful daisies.

I am currently raising money for The Birth Trauma Association through my writing: writing was one of the biggest healers in my battle with post natal illness. If you would like to sponsor me, and find out more, please go to my Just Giving Page. Thank you. It really is for a great cause.


32 comments:

  1. Good luck and well done. Even if it's 1mg a month. My mum never got off them, which is OK, but wish she had. xx

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    1. So far, so good - it's going okay. I had a few wobbly days but now feel much better, and already starting to sleep better too. X

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  2. I admire you for taking control like this, for it cannot be easy. The 'structure' you have in place sounds ideal as a replacement type of therapy. And easy does it, nice and slow listening to your body as you go.
    I too am being weaned off the medications I was on for my injury since last July. Different I know, but similar. My poor liver and you describe the dreams perfectly! I'm on my last 25mg twice a day but have decided to change that to once a day for the last 2 weeks so that I'm not going from 2 pills a day to none.
    We should be pharmacists, you and I! xx

    PS: Never thought of the connection between that flower and my mam! Thanks for that, I love it :)

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    1. So far it's going quite well. I had a few ropey days but now back on a more even keel, and I've noticed that the quality of my sleep is much better which can only be a good thing, and I have more energy. I hope you don't have a hard time coming off your medication either - sounds like you are being sensible too :o). X.

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  3. Good luck with reducing your medication. It's not going to be easy, but it sounds as though you have a great plan of action for getting there x

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    1. Thank you. Had a few dodgy days but it's evened out now. Am going to do this very gently.... X

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  4. Hope this journey is as smooth as it can be. Sounds like you're well prepared, but still daunting. Sending you love and support xx

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    1. Thank you very much. It should pan out okay. But one thing I've already noticed on a smaller dose is that I am already beginning to sleep better. X

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  5. I know very little about this sort of thing - but I think the fact that you want to do it, that you are prepared to try, is probably a significant part of the battle. Take it slow and steady - and be kind to yourself. Love xx

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    1. I think the trick is to do this very slowly... I had a couple of off days but then it levelled off and feeling fine again. Am starting to sleep better too. And of course, at the end of the day, I won't know until I try :o). Hopefully, it will all work itself out. X

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  6. I do love you. You are a brave, decent, honest lady and it will be lovely to see you emerge from this kind of protective chrysallis - where you can be free again one day. I am glad that you have a plan and a structure and that you can do this and that there is no hurry only the time that you are imposing on yourself - so it can be metered out so carefully. Will be keeping an eye (and an ear) on you and wish you all the luck, strength and love in the world XXX

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    1. Thank you very much lovely - so far so good. I had a couple of groggy days when I changed the dosage and then everything levelled. My shoulders are looking great from all the yoga though LOL. I don't feel I've been in a protective chrysallis though - I've still had a lot of powerful feelings to engage with regardless of any medication, medication hasn't put a lid on any of these feelings, but it has helped to balance hormone levels and given a little distance, but protective, no. Now it's a case of being very gentle around the physiological side effects of reducing the dosage. Thank you, and big hugs. X

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  7. Thank you for sharing. Tapering medication is absolutely terrifying, I've been there. But slow and steady is the way to go and it sounds like you're doing everything right.

    Your blog looks wonderful, I will be back to read more later.

    Take care
    L x

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    1. Thank you very much. I've had a read of yours too and liked it very much. Yes, slow and steady is the only way to go with all of this! X

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  8. Coming to your blog fairly recently, I had no idea about this. I think, from my very little knowledge, you are going about this the right way - sending lots of happy thoughts and let's hope you can wean yourself off, a step at a time.

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    1. This has been ongoing for a few years now, but no feels like the right time to make a change, and hopefully I'm doing it right. Thank you :o).

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  9. So proud of you my friend. You are strong and courageous and an inspiration to me. Slowly, slowly does it. You have all the time in the world xxx

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    1. Thank you very much lovely, I'm taking things nice and slowly which I guess is the best way to be. Gosh, and I just realised that I haven't blogged on here in ages! X

      Hope you are having a lovely social media break.

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  10. I have absolutely no experience of this but it sounds like a hugely sensible approach and your attitude is amazing. Slowly, steadily, I'm sure that you can do it. Huge hugs x

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    1. Thank you very much lovely.... I think the only way is to approach this is with caution and steadiness. So far, so good, and everything is going smoothly. I will stay on the current reduced dose for a few months or so before I reduce again. X

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  11. This is such a powerful post, you have captured the fear of taking on life without pharmaceutical stabilisers so perfectly. Slow and steady is the key, you are right. Don't put any pressure on yourself and if it doesn't work out it is not a failure, just not the right time. Keep writing your wonderful blog!

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    1. Thank you very much (and I will get around to reading your blog).... and so far all is going okay but may have to put the dosage back up again owning to perimenopausal symptoms (I can't win!). And I'll keep writing when I can - It's all been a bit busy of late! :o)

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  12. Well done for taking the step, that must be the hardest part. Sounds as though you are doing it all very sensibly. One day at a time. Lots of love to you. x x

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    1. Thank you very much lovely..... it's best to do these things sensibly, and very much a case of one step at a time too. Hope you are keeping well. I've been a little vacant on the blogging scene for a fair few weeks now, so sorry if I haven't commented in a while. X

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  13. That sounds hard but at the same time the right thing to do - I hope the decreases go well and all the planned substitutes do their bit.

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    1. It 's been a bit challenging, and I might have to put the dosage up again owing to the return of strong pms symptoms which feel perimenopausal too. Congratulations on being a MADS finalist - about time!

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  14. Well done you taking the steps that feel right for you and I pray you can enjoy and count all those daisies soon. Mich x

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    1. Thank you lovely. It's been an interesting experience so far, mostly good, but the return of very undesirable PMS symptoms has meant I've had to have a little rethink. X

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  15. Good luck on this part of your journey, you sound so incredibly strong. I love how you are approaching it, slowly but surely. xx

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    1. Thank you lovely. So far, so good - on the whole, I'm in a good place, but might have to raise the dosage again owing to horrid pms/perimenopausal symptoms - I can't win, LOL. X

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  16. I'm glad you've come to a place where you feel ready to slowly eliminate the medication - through a lot of hard work and searching to seize and build the structure that will support you in your journey. And if you need to stay on a low dose - that's not the end of the world either. Your writing is certainly therapeutic for your readers so I can believe it has helped you too. Lots of love, Jess xxx

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    1. Yes, I felt in a good place to begin with, and still do, but lowering the dose has also brought some interesting changes - a return of pms symtoms, horrid ones, and the realisation that the perimenopause is probably well under way. Do I want to have to put up with this? Or make life easier for my self and everyone around me? I think I'll opt for the answer to the second question, so may have to put the dosage back up again. X

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