Friday, 21 December 2012

Merry Apocalypse

Dear Angel of Death,

I nervously rolled up the blind this morning expecting to find rivers of steaming lava flowing
steadily passed the postbox. Instead, I was greeted by the sun shining so brightly, the scene before me resembled more the first dawn of existence than a destruction rendered in a Hieronymus Bosch painting. Not a very dramatic start to the end of the world. Disappointed.

I enjoyed a light breakfast of cornflakes with rice milk. I didn't think it a sage idea having a full stomach when the earth quakes begin shattering our much-in-need-of-repair road into unnavigable rubble.

The doorbell rang. I felt hopeful. Could this be the shady Grim Reaper bearing his over sharpened scythe? No. It was the postman with last minute festive parcels. I duly signed for the items and as I stood on the door step, I heard a familiar sound of hooves approaching. The Four Housemen! It's happening! It's happening! But the clipperty clopperting on tarmac turned the corner to reveal the local constabulary on yet another crime busting round.

I even phoned the End Of Days hot line number 666, and not a single response...

So as I sit and wait for the end, it's given pause for thought, time to contemplate the last year of my life. Mmmm. Let's see... Breastfeeding finished. Potty training began. There was the introduction of the thinking cushion. A need for anti-depressants. A couple of blogging conferences. The Pendulati, my gravity challenged breasts, suitably rehoused. Maternity tops thrown out. Stripey jumpers bought in. Readers enjoyed my writing. My Once Upon a Time stories rocked (if I do say so myself). One Week took off. And I finally realised there really is a writer in me - shame the earth is about to melt into cosmic oblivion.

Anyway, I have packed the family bag. I thought it best to travel light, including only those practical items that should come in handy at the pearly gates of heaven - there's going to be a very, very, long queue there tonight! So, I decided upon a flask of camomile tea and freshly baked lemon drizzle cake for myself, Younger Dad's laptop - my understanding there's free wi-fi in the celestial planes - and Little A's blue teddy. Have also included toothbrushes, I don't care where I am, clean teeth are a must.

Right I'm going to dye my hair and hoover the carpets now in preparation for the final curtain call.

And if this doesn't come to pass, then I wish you all, my lovely dear readers, a very merry Christmas indeed!

OM XXX.

22 comments:

  1. A corking post to sum up the year with. Fabulously written as always. Have very much enjoyed reading your blog this year. A very Merry Christmas to you and yours, and may 2013 be a great year for you. xxx

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    1. Thank you - you are too kind. I have really enjoyed your blog too! Looking forward to a week of not doing very much now! X.

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  2. Brilliant! All such utter nonsense, of course (I'm talking the Apocalypse, not your writing!). So glad I found blogging and your blog this year - onwards and upwards for 2013 :)

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    1. Thank you - isn't it just! Thank you - I always look forward to the New Year. Very glad to have discovered your blog too! :o).

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  3. Teeheehee..... love it!! And there most definitely is a writer in you. But I'm perplexed, is there no wine at them pearly gates?

    xx Jazzy

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    1. Oh yes, there's plenty of wine - an eternity of wine :o). X.

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  4. It didn't end here, I hope it didn't end with you. xx

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    1. Glad to hear it! All fine here :o). X.

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  5. Your "gravity challenged breasts being suitable re-housed" made me chuckle. Lovely post. I'm going to read some more....

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    1. Thank you! I hope you have enjoyed the rest? Thank you for stopping by to comment :o).

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  6. still here! and I wish you a very Merry christmas too!

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    1. I know! Still here! I'd better get wrapping the presents now! I hope you have a lovely Christmas too!

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  7. You've had a busy year and a well and beautifully documented one. I hope you and your family have a most happy Christmas and that 2013 be filled with joy. xx

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    1. Thank you very much, and the same to you with angel dust on top! X.

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  8. We are stil here...... wishign you a very merry Christmas, Mich x

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    1. Thank you Mich! It's been a good one so far! X.

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  9. Made me smile, great post! Still here too, looks like you had a good Christmas, pleased for you! xx

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    1. Thank you! Yes, it was a good one - hope yours was good too! X.

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  10. My ipad wouldn't let me comment on this a week ago - can't believe it's taken that long t return. Hope you have enjoyed a wonderful last xmas in your current home! So glad you didn't disappear off the face of the earth. X

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    1. Naughty ipad! It's been lovely thank you! Hope yours was good too? Glad we are all still here! X.

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  11. I wonder how many more end of the world predictions we have to go before it becomes bleedingly obvious that it just isn't going to happen?!! You do make me chuckle. Happy New Year! xx

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    1. Yes, quite. Glad I amuse you. And a very happy New Year to you too! X.

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