Tuesday 24 March 2015

All Woman


When I'd thought about the word imagine, I'd envisaged expansion not contraction. And yet my life dreams of being smaller. I need to be a turtle inside its shell. Or a hedgehog curled into a ball.

It's about an internal down-sizing. A need to create space to engage space. To view my inner workings as a compass and to ascribe each direction the things that matter most.

I think the word is balance.

... and then I only went and spilt water all over my keyboard. The letters stopped working, became illiterate, and I couldn't upload any photos - the drive was broken as well. So how was I suppose to blog, then?

All an excuse though. I did have a solution.

There is always a solution.

Such busy beginnings to the year: a self editing course, a vintage-styled wedding (pretty girls and bearded boys), and I lost my woolly hat.

January has never been a good month. But this year was a little better, a little more fair-weather. The facts of her birth have grown dim. I am looking through frosted glass. The past is full of shadow and images that can't be touched. At her party there is a sea of Elsas and Annas, an icicle hunt, a snowball fight, bubbles and marshmallows and five-year-old fun. I no longer see the ward doors or the imposing white of the theatre - I simply see her bright smile, her proud shoulders as she sashays down the red carpet and takes her place on the birthday-girl throne.

February I met myself. February, I had to be honest. I imagined being happier with a smaller piece of cake. I imagined a simpler life, the complexities peeled away. Or so I would wish. I stripped everything back. I mean I stripped the blogging back. In its place I have a daily yoga practise, a better diet, a stream lined focus on the novel. I have taken up running again. I am journal writing again - one with a note book and pen. I will return to practice as a counsellor this year.

But it's more than that. I am changing. I am regrouping. I am emerging from the broken lines of the infant, toddler and pre-school years. I am slotting into place. Who am I? Where now? I am reacquainting me with me once more. I have never felt better about my body and as a woman as I do now. I am rediscovering the feminine beyond the role of mother and the contours prescribed by masculinity.

I am woman.

I am free.

This is what I imagine this year.

To step into authenticity. To be me.

41 comments:

  1. This is amazing - so wonderful to see / hear! A much hard fought battle is being won - now that you have the space. And long may your conquering continue XXX

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    1. I hope so too, although this weekend I've been laid up with a rubbish head cold LOL. Still did some gentle yoga stretches though. X

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  2. Grounded. Contended. That's the words that come to mind when I read this. And I can totally see why - yoga, writing in a PAPER journal with a PEN, switching off the blog posts in your mind, all sound deliciously right. You can't help but be less scattered or stretched with these disciplines. I don't think you can write a novel any other way. I find meditation and prayer very grounding and bring such peace. Great to see the odd post though. We miss your lovely words!

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    1. I'm certainly getting there lovely lady. The yoga refreshes the parts most other things can't reach - it's good stuff. I know! A pen and paper - who would have thought it, eh? I think that anything which can draw you into the present moment is very beneficial ergo prayer and meditation. Thank you - it's good to back now and again. Hope are well! :o)

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  3. Oh please take me with you.... I need some serious regrouping now that my daughter is in school. And I definitely need to get re-aquainted with my femininity which is hidden under layers of motherhood. I look forward to seeing you emerge and will look to you for inspiration.

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    1. Me too! Watching and listening xx

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    2. I will! I will! But it's a long old road isn't it? Finding yourself again from underneath the blanket of motherhood. Two steps forward, one step back. X

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  4. Oh wow! What a positive post. Good for you! So nice to hear there is a light at the end of the pre-school tunnel! You go girl! x

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    1. Thank you very much. Yeah - I'm kinda feeling different at the moment. A good different, even. X

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  5. Welcome to your new phase; ALL WOMAN, the ground work sounds good. I predict good things.

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    1. Can you predict a good summer this year too, and a bit of sunshine this spring too :o)? So far I'm growing into this new phase very nicely.

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  6. This all sounds so right….a lovely, positive step forward. Could do with taking a leaf out of your book xx

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    1. Thank you very much - so far it's feeling pretty good. I'm starting to feel like I'm coming out the other side. X

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  7. You sound very comfortable in your own skin writing this so it sounds like the change has definitely been for the better. All woman is great and all the very essence of you is even better :)

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    1. I am certainly feeling much more comfortable in my skin than I have in a long while. I honestly think it's all the yoga - so I should definitely keep up with that then. :o).



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  8. At last, a post from you ;) I've missed your writing xx

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    1. I know! It's been a long while coming :o). X

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  9. So happy to read this, Sarah. :)
    This journey to the new found you is beautifully expressed. xx

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    1. Thank you very much - I am getting their piece by piece. It's an exciting journey. X

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  10. Such an inspiring, positive post. I'm so happy to read this. You sound so happy and peaceful. I'm looking forward to following your progress. xx

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    1. Thank you! Yes, I've been ironing out some of the creases these last couple of months. I think yoga is the main culprit! X

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  11. Brilliant. Just brilliant. And so inspiring. Thank you for sharing this X

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    1. Thank you very much.... let's hope I can keep up with it all :o). X

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  12. I am glad January was a little kinder this year, the party sounds wonderful! February sounds wonderful too, and everything sounds positive, and you sound happy which is great - and very important. Glad you are retaking up the counselling, but if you ever think of becoming a life coach, book me in! :) xx

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    1. Little A had a fab 5th birthday party this year - and I've lost count how many Frozen parties we've been to now including the one I threw for her 5th. Yes, this year seems to be about shifting my priorities and looking at going back out into the big, wide world. X

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  13. Beautiful post Sarah, and one I can relate to A LOT! It's so bloody wonderful getting to that place where everything is calm and settled and we can begin to think ourselves a bit isn't it? Feels like it has been a long time. Good things are coming for you my friend, I know that to be true xx

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    1. Thank you very much lovely! I am certainly getting into a much better place now - it's a big watershed when they start school properly and I can't really put off going back to work any longer, although it will take a few years to build my practice up again but at least I have a plan now :o).....and of course the writing too! X

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  14. Oh my, such a sense of peace coming from this post. I remember when Kit and Ozzy both started school that I had a transition stage where I felt so free, as if I had been handed the key to the golden gates that led to boundless opportunities and scope for me to find who I was, what I want to do next, to more forward and progress if I wanted to - but that was the nice thing, I didn't feel any expectation that I should be doing something new - just the feeling that I could I I wanted to was lovely.
    Beautiful writing you talented love muffin x

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    1. Hello lovely! Yes, certainly feeling calmer and regaining my focus. Now Little A is at school I'm getting this urge to get back out into the world again - that might take me a while re. the counselling but I have a plan to help me in the right direction. I guess it's all baby steps, one foot in front of the other, and a little patience too - I'll get there. :o). X

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  15. How perfect, it really sounds as if you are carving out your space. Your new routine sounds so healthy and mindful, wonderful. Mich x

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    1. I'm certainly moving in the right direction thanks to a little bit of extra yoga. Like you say - mindfulness is the key and it's a state I'd like to be in as much as I can. X

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  16. Oh how lovely. You sound like you're in such a happy place this year, and moving positively ever forward. I ma finding even more of 'me' being in the teenage years. I may get all of me back in a couple of yeras. And that is such a scary thought!
    Delighted to hear about all your activities... and especially delighted to have you back in the blogging world :-) xx

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    1. I'm certainly getting into a calmer space and yoga has helped with that. I am guessing, and reading your comment, that as Alice gets older, it will all start to come back again - I will be like a thoroughly well baked cake. I hope to be back in the blogging world when I can. :o) X.

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  17. So happy to have you back! But I'm so glad of the reasons you have not been blogging - extremely compelling ones indeed Sometimes I wonder what I'm wasting my time for! I absolutely love this post. You should win Writer again based on this one alone. xxxx

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    1. Huzzah! I'll be back when I can :o).... I've been trying to get back into 'shape' (I include writing as part of this as well). And you are not wasting your time - It's blogging that brought me to this point in a way - all those churning out posts helps to shift a lot of stuff and point you in the right direction! Thank you. X

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  18. Love your post. I remember being there myself a few moons ago when the children were small. The older the kids get the more I know myself as I have more time to spend on myself xxx

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    1. Thank you.... I have to admit, it does get better all round the older she gets. And it's nice having more time to myself. Hopefully one day I'll have the time to create the gorgeous garden like you have! X

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  19. Journalling with a proper pen?! Sounds to me as though spilling water on your keyboard was the best thing that could have happened to you! Beautiful post OM. I love that you are finding the new you. And going back to counselling again? Wonderful. x

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    1. I know! Who would have thought it, eh? Thank you very much, lovely - it's been a busy old time and one for sorting out my priorities. X

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  20. Wonderful post. Welcome to rediscovery and authenticity. Those are things we all need.

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    1. Thank you! And I couldn't agree more :o).

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