Thursday 4 December 2014

Perpetuation


The morning has settled on grey. Is it really four years since I turned forty? I make a couple of wrong turns before finding the parking lot. By the time I apply the hand brake drizzle has coated the wind screen in an infectious sheet of transparent spots. How could it be otherwise on the 25th November?

The foyer of the cinema is empty. I collect my ticket from the machine and make my way to the overpriced refreshments. Is it wrong to buy a small carton of salted popcorn at 10.20 in the morning? No, of course it isn't. I take my VIP seat. The backs of the chairs in front look like rows of teeth; only two more people enter - a father and daughter with a giant carton of popcorn - and sit directly behind me. Do reservations really matter when the auditorium is this desolate? I regress in the cinema; after the performance I find bits of popcorn stuck in the woollen fibres of my cardigan and squashed and warming between my legs. It's made my innards feel sore and bloated. What does it do in there? Bounce around like lottery balls? My mouth feels dry.

When I enter Coco's I regret stuffing my face with a bucket of exploded carbs. I am not hungry. First I order one of Teddie's infamous chai lattes. The sugar perks me up. I take out the novel from my bag and begin reading sneaking glances at the other customers sat at the tables around me. I find myself repeatedly drawn to the double-knotted fuchsia scarf tied around the neck of a woman sitting on the other side of the cafe. Blimey, the thing's a visual overdose. On the table next to me sit four grey haired Scandinavian men chatting amiably in their native tongue.

It hits me after a few mouthfuls of halloumi and sweet potato tart - a feeling of deep perpetuation; that my mother passed though my grandmother, that I passed through my mother, that my daughter passed through me. The connection we women share, joined together like paper dolls. For a moment I sit blankly, taking it in, my body stunned in wonder. I think of what my mum went through on this day forty-four years ago: aged twenty-three; full of flu; isolated on the ward; no husband or family near her; struggling to push her first born out....

....and now here I am, looking out of the window at the damp and the decayed, trying to make sense of it all.

I celebrate quietly this year. A slow, peaceful day. I receive new pens, notebooks and a kindle. The weekend before Younger Dad treated me to a fabulous Indian meal at a rather fancy restaurant in Marylebone. A seven course taster menu - hotter than coals and delicately presented. I was full to bursting.

But the best part of any birthday now are Little A's hugs and happy birthdays to the best mummy EVER.
Also her tireless belief that I'm still only thirteen years old!


Rest well and have a magical holiday!

40 comments:

  1. Your day sounds perfect in every way - really being able to be yourself! I do hope it was wonderful and sorry id didn't wish a fab one personally. I do, however, hope this year will bring you everything you deserve my dear friend :)) PS What was the film? XXX

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    1. It was a lovely day, thank you - don't worry about not wishing me one personally :o). I went to see the third film in the The Hunger Games series - Mockingjay - I loved the books! X

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  2. You know what makes me type in your blog name in the search bar every so often? The need to read something that is physically tangible (apologies if I've said this before)! The things we think, and then forget about; the self-'consciousness' that we're faced with at times before we've lost connection with it as one moment steals another - that's what you manage to crystalize for me. And thank you for that! I hope you had a truly, truly special day :) x

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    1. Thank you very much lovely! It's funny when you get those fleeting moments of awe isn't it? And they always happen in the most unexpected of places. I had a lovely, easy day - I love birthdays! X

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  3. Aw, what a lovely post. Your days sounds wonderful, but even better is the way you make such vivid connections between your ancestors - I love the thought of paper dolls. Magical x

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    1. Thank you very much! It was a really nice, relaxing day..... funny how those inspired moments come when you're sat in a cafe with a mouthful of food! X

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  4. Happy birthday! I'll be 4 and a 3 in 11 days time and for the year I've been planning on taking myself to a live broadcast of the Royal Ballet (showing for one day only at my local cinema)... but I fight with myself, should I go home from work and have the normal take away and birthday evening that is uneventful or do I do what I want to do... I'm (nearly) 43 and I've not pleased myself yet, I live to please others... I think I'll go to the ballet x

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    1. I hope you had a very nice 43rd birthday too. I hope you went to the ballet - you should always spoil yourself on your birthday - it's a day for self indulgences! X

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  5. Happy Birthday! Clearly 'Older Mum' isn't that old if she's deemed to be 13! It sounds like you had a lovely peaceful relaxing day - love the sound of the notebooks and pens as pressies - I'd have loved that too. Beautiful prose btw. So good to read a post from you.xx

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    1. Thank you! Little A seems to have this fixed idea that I am only 13 years old LOL. I had a lovely peaceful day, just as it should be and then Younger Dad made me a nice meal in the evening. Birthdays should be about indulgences! X

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  6. Happy belated birthday!! There is never anything wrong with ordering salted popcorn at 10:20, and throwing in a big piece of cake afterwards. I hope you have a wonderful December. I have booked a ticket to BritMums so hopefully next year, I'll be able to give you a big hug in person xx

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    1. Thank you very much! I thought it was a bit naughty munching my way through all that popcorn at that time in the morning but I guess that's what birthdays are all about! .....and goodie, goodie - I get to see you again next year! X

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  7. Happy Birthday - even if a little belatedly! H and I share a birthday and one year when we were celebrating all together I caught my Mum and my Mother in Law sat comparing labour stories; two women doing the same thing on the same day that made H and me; it's funny how you don't think about your own birth very often, especially when the birth of your children are such milestone moments in life.

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    1. Thank you very much! What a coincidence that you and H are born on the same day - that must make birthdays fun - a double indulgence. Are you both the same age as well? Now I am a mum it has made me think about my birth a little more and what my mum went through. :o).

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  8. Happy happy belated birthday... It sounds like a nice relaxing day, and a very thoughtful one. PS. Popcorn's supposed to be very good for you you know! :D xx

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    1. Thank you very mush missus.... I had a lovely, quiet day with some of my favourite indulgences. Yes, I've heard popcorn is good for you :o) but it really bloats my tummy; I love the salted and sweet variety the best! X

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  9. I am late in wishing you Happy Birthday, too distracted by my undercarriage-op and I apologise for that.
    I love relaxed birthdays, sometimes they end up making you think and savouring the moment more than the jam packed ones.

    Now tell me- was it the new Hunger Games one you saw and was it any good?!

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    1. No worries.... I didn't post this until a good week afterwards anyway! I hope your operation went well and that you are feeling much better now :o).... Relaxed birthdays are where it's at - it's the one's where the expectations are set really high that disappoint! ..... and it was the new Hunger Games - I thought it was very good! :o)

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  10. I think your children keep you young - it's a cliche, I know, but age doesn't matter when you have a child to take care of.
    I was never bothered about age until my son left for university in September. Suddenly I was aware of the empty nest and it felt very ageing. I'm hoping when he returns next weekend the years will drop away!!
    Thought-provoking post as always x

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    1. Thank you very much! Children definitely keep you on your toes, and although the yearly tally increases I don't really feel it to be honest - Little A makes me feel young(er). It must feel very strange when they eventually leave! X

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  11. Such ruddy gorgeous words! I love the sound of your birthday, cinema and a favourite coffee shop would do me proper grand these days, and I love the imagery of a matriachal line as paper dolls - beautiful xx

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    1. Thank you very much lovely! It was a fab day.... really easy with no expectations - the kin of day that leaves you feeling all warm and fuzzy inside! X

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  12. A lovely post, Sarah, nice to do as you please on your birthday and celebrate quietly if you want to!
    Every time your mention Coco's I want to go there, it seems like such a warm, welcoming place.
    Hugs from your children are priceless indeed, whatever their age... or yours! ;) xx

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    1. Thank you very much! It was a lovely quiet birthday and turned out to be a very easy day :o). Coco's is very warm and welcoming - I can highly recommend it :o). X.

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  13. beautiful!
    am so hungry now - not for popcorn but for that tart.
    happy birthday - it sounds like a very laid back kind of day, I also love the sound of 7 courses in a posh place in Marylebone. Enjoy the coming year and keep writing here. X

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    1. Thank you.... and that tart was delicious - very warming :o). It was the perfectly laid back kind of day. The restaurant in Marylebone was awesome - a very rare treat, and I savoured every minute of it. I hope 2015 is a good one! X

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  14. Such a gorgeous post Sarah, I felt like I was right there with you in that cinema. I haven't been for years, but going to films alone was always such a treat - especially when you could get in with two quid tickets as a student. It's amazing to think about our mothers and their mothers and our children, and these lines that just keep going, isn't it? Much love to you, hope you have a wonderful holiday xxx

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    1. Thank you very much Ruth :o)... I love going to the cinema. Before Little A, I used to go all the time - I love losing myself in a good film. As women we share a very connected bond - I sometimes wonder if this is one of the many reasons why patriarchal cultures have persecuted women over the ages.... Hope you have a fab holiday too, lovely! XXX

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  15. What a beautiful photo to end a beautiful post! I love the sense of us being joined to our mother and grandmother like paper dolls. Thanks for your lovely comments on my blog all this year, it's a pleasure to me that you enjoy it, as someone I admire so much. Looking forward to seeing you in the New Year - perhaps hearing some novel news? Have a wonderful, restful and joyous Christmas! Lots of love, Jess xxx

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    1. Thank you very much! It's been great discovering your blog this year - it's an absolute gem! And I hope you have a wonderful festive season too - no doubt you will have lots of wry stories to tell in the aftermath! X

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  16. Sorry I'm late in wishing you a very happy birthday. It did sound like a lovely treat to yourself, going to the cinema with popcorn followed by yummy food. Thanks for sharing it with us and I love the pink trees at the fore of your photo.

    And while I'm here let me wish you, Younger Dad and Little A a magical Merry Christmas :-) xx

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    1. No worries - it passed in the blink of an eye and then I thought I should write about it! I had a really nice quiet day - and it was fun going to the cinema in the morning. I hope you have a great Christmas too :o). X

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  17. I am very late indeed but want to wish you a Happy Birthday. Sounds like you spent it well, peacefully. What a treat to go to the cinema on your own! I'm not sure I could do it though. I'm not far behind you being 44 next month. Lovely that your daughter still sees you as so young, mine now see me as ancient! xx

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    1. Thank you very much! I had a lovely laid back day, and the film was very good. Yes, Little A sees me as a thirteen year old but I'm sure that won't last very long at all! X

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  18. Were those trees meant to represent the scarf?! Lovely intimate, thoughtful post as usual. Paperdolls - inspired! And you know, you must come to our new art deco independent cinema in St Albans, the Odyssey - its got plush red velvet seats that swivel positioned around small bar tables. You'll never want to set foot in what I call a 'plastiplex' again! I wrote a post about it if you are serious about coming. Great for a date night with Mr Older Mum! PS Very belated happy birthday!!

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    1. An art deco cinema in St Albans? Sounds really nice. Is that a recent addition? It sounds very intimate and bijou.... I'll have to read all about it on your blog. Good idea for date night with Mr Older Mum.... and thank you, I've already forgotten how old I am ;o).

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  19. Like the White Rabbit I'm clearly very, very late but I couldn't read without stopping to wish you a belated but very happy birthday lovely lady. Ironically as I'm typing this I'm preparing for my birthday party today - I had to ask the husband how old I was going to be. The years are starting to blur in my forties but this year I'm determined to make it one of my best yet. Here's to 2015 rocking for all of us x

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    1. Thank you very much lovely lady! And a happy birthday to you - I hope you have a wonderful party. I think your forties rock - its been the best decade for me so far. Here's to a great 2015 for everyone! X

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  20. Hope you had a wonderfulm Christmas and it sounded like a perfect birthday xx

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    1. Thank you, I did. The birthday was good too! X

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