Crap Mum - A Spoof

... Inspired by the wonderful Stick Man by Julia Donaldson and Alex Scheffler.

CRAP MUM...

Crap Mum lives in a two bedroomed flat.

With Younger Dad, Little A, and a pretend grey cat.

One morning she realises the chores must to be done.

Crap mum, oh Crap Mum, this is no fun!

"Mummy come here!" yells Little A.

She's picked up the full potty,

and now wants to play.

"I'll pick it up, put it down,

and pick it up - and then

"Mummy, there is poo and wee

on the floor again!"

"Oh help! Oh No! Where's my chamomile tea?

I'm Crap Mum, I'm Crap Mum,

I'M CRAP MUM, that's me,

And social services are coming for me!"

Crap mum grabs a cloth,

and surveys the mess.

But it ends up all over her brand new dress!

She changes her clothes with a grumble and a sigh.

Crap Mum, oh Crap Mum, the clothes basket is piled high.

"Can I help?" asks Little A,

"I want to make my dirty pants clean."

And together they sped to the washing machine.

"Give me more clothes mummy! Lets stuff them in."

But she traps her fingers, then makes a huge din.

"Oh help! Oh No! The plasters I can't see.

I'm Crap Mum, I'm Crap Mum,

I'M CRAP MUM, that's me,

And social services are gunning for me!"

"I can't plan meals.

Or do arts... or do crafts.

I can't find that lost sock! I can't turn Twitter off!

I can't iron a shirt... or darn or sew - no,

I'm..."

Crap Mum, oh Crap Mum, beware of the front door!

A gust of wind, the front door slams shut.

Stuck outside - Little A on one arm - Crap Mum is feeling kicked in the butt.

"Oh help! Oh No! Little A has pee'd on my knee.

I'm Crap Mum, I'm Crap Mum,

I'M CRAP MUM, that's me,

And now the police will be after me!"

Crap Mum feels stupid, Crap mum feels dumb.

Crap Mum feels clueless praying someone will come.

Crap mum feels low and rather stressed.

She scratches her head exclaiming "this must be a test!"

Then suddenly an idea.

"Mummy you have a plan?"

"Yes! To the nursery we must go ...

To phone younger dad, our super hero."

Younger Dad arrives with a smile on his face.

Jangling his keys, now back to our place.

He raises an eyebrow at his wife

and she says...

"Oh Gosh! Oh Thank you! Thanks again for helping me!

But... I'm Crap Mum, I'm Crap Mum,

I'm CRAP MUM, that's me,

And I'm doing my best for our family of three!

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