Thursday 16 August 2012

Crap Mum - A Spoof

... Inspired by the wonderful Stick Man by Julia Donaldson and Alex Scheffler.


Crap Mum lives in a two bedroomed flat.
With Younger Dad, Little A, and a pretend grey cat.

One morning she realises the chores must to be done.
Crap mum, oh Crap Mum, this is no fun!

"Mummy come here!" yells Little A.
She's picked up the full potty,
and now wants to play.

"I'll pick it up, put it down,
and pick it up - and then

"Mummy, there is poo and wee
on the floor again!"

"Oh help! Oh No! Where's my chamomile tea?
I'm Crap Mum, I'm Crap Mum,
I'M CRAP MUM, that's me,
And social services are coming for me!"

Crap mum grabs a cloth,
and surveys the mess.
But it ends up all over her brand new dress!

She changes her clothes with a grumble and a sigh.
Crap Mum, oh Crap Mum, the clothes basket is piled high.

"Can I help?" asks Little A,
"I want to make my dirty pants clean."
And together they sped to the washing machine.

"Give me more clothes mummy! Lets stuff them in."
But she traps her fingers, then makes a huge din.

"Oh help! Oh No! The plasters I can't see.
I'm Crap Mum, I'm Crap Mum,
I'M CRAP MUM, that's me,
And social services are gunning for me!"

"I can't plan meals.
Or do arts... or do crafts.
I can't find that lost sock! I can't turn Twitter off!
I can't iron a shirt... or darn or sew - no,

Crap Mum, oh Crap Mum, beware of the front door!

A gust of wind, the front door slams shut.
Stuck outside - Little A on one arm - Crap Mum is feeling kicked in the butt.

"Oh help! Oh No! Little A has pee'd on my knee.
I'm Crap Mum, I'm Crap Mum,
I'M CRAP MUM, that's me,
And now the police will be after me!"

Crap Mum feels stupid, Crap mum feels dumb.
Crap Mum feels clueless praying someone will come.
Crap mum feels low and rather stressed.
She scratches her head exclaiming "this must be a test!"

Then suddenly an idea.
"Mummy you have a plan?"
"Yes! To the nursery we must go ...
To phone younger dad, our super hero."

Younger Dad arrives with a smile on his face.
Jangling his keys, now back to our place.
He raises an eyebrow at his wife
and she says...

"Oh Gosh! Oh Thank you! Thanks again for helping me!
But... I'm Crap Mum, I'm Crap Mum,
I'm CRAP MUM, that's me,
And I'm doing my best for our family of three!

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  1. Very clever! To start with I wondered...does she really think that? And then I saw the clue was in the title. Love Julia Donaldson too - she's lmost as good as Older Mum x

    1. Thank you! No ... not really - but i fancied throwing in a little self depreciating humour - I've been meaning to write this post for a while!X Ps I have tummy ache from your tea party!

  2. Very clever! Is this based on fact by any chance? I hope not and that order has been restored x

    1. Thank you! Well locking our selves out certainly was, and I can do a little sewing and ironing :o) However, I am pleased to say that order has been restored...

  3. Not the slightest bit crap. One day Little A will realise that she is very lucky to have a mum who is so clever and funny.

    1. Thank you! That was lovely ... I hope that one day she'll appreciate my humour too!

  4. Brilliant. I think Stick Man is my favourite children's book at the moment. My 5yo has now been listening to it for 3 years and is feeling slightly weary of it!!

    Brilliant poem. Love it.

    1. Thank you! This one had been floating around in the back of my head for a while!

  5. Made me a bit sad! I think we all have days where everyone seems to do it better than us. Very glad to hear all things back to normal!

    1. Oh no! It was just a bit of self depreciating humour! But still I do have those days - getting back to normal ... slowly!

  6. This is brilliant, love the way you have written it, but you are far from a crap mum. However we all feel like that at times. xxx

    1. Ah, thank you! I've certainly had my moments the last few weeks! :o).

  7. Brilliant. I love it. Sorry, a bit late to the party as have been 'on a break'. I love the line Crap mum feels stupid, Crap mum feels dumb... We listen to this in the car the whole time. I shall always think of you now.

    Though I suspect that you are neither of these things. xxx

    1. Thank you. No need to apologise - I'm about to go on a break for a couple of weeks too - a much needed one! I love Stick Man - I think its one of my J. Donaldson favourites. :o) Ps. thankyou for your vote of confidence in my uncrapness!

  8. Superb! How long did it take you to do that? Really clever! We are very familiar with both versions in our house (:-)) and the original is one of our favourites. Px

    1. Thank you! Well its been hanging around in the back of my head for a couple of months, but when I got down to it, it took me a couple of hours or so. I love stick man!

  9. Awesome! Is Zog next on the list?

    1. Thank you! Now you have given me in idea :o).


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