Maybe I had too much hot chocolate. All that sugar.
Up. Up. Up.
Like a hot air balloon. Light headed and floating among angel clouds.
Excited. The anticipation. The expectation.
Will I make it? Will I see my name in lights?
I know what's going on though, this want of recognition. I am hoping this time they will take note.
It arrives.
The results are in.
I scroll down the page. My name. My name. Where's my name?
It's not there.
Two minutes ago I had wings, now I'm falling like a bomb.
But... but... but... all that hard work I did? All those colourful words I wrote?
Crestfallen. Disappointed.
And it takes me back to the nine to three and break times and the stiff grey uniform and being that girl the boy never fancied and red marker all over my carefully crafted work. A perennial B student. The middling to bottom streams. Unclassified in maths O'level. Unclassified in general studies.
One solitary A in English though. And captain of the lacrosse team.
Is competition - hot housed in those early years - a good or a bad thing?
I don't like the effect it has on me. Brings out the best and the worst.
But I'm not bitter. Absolutely not.
So pleased at how far I have come.
So grateful to be a part of this landscape of words and friendship and support.
If anything, it helpfully mirrored back my eternal motivation.
What lies beneath.
That after all these years, I am still trying to please mum and dad.
Oh my goodness, what a beautiful, from the heart post. I can really feel your emotion...and I recognise so very well that last line. You have achieved so much, you are an incredible writer, one I look to aspire to be more like - I know that's not as impressive as BiBs finalist status, but maybe it helps just a little?! I hope you are soon soaring again x
ReplyDeleteYour are so very kind. I honestly didn't write this post for the mirror of support I have received, I needed to write about what was behind my reaction. And honestly, if you are aspiring to 'write like me' then I'll take that over being a finalist any day. That really bowled me over - I am a little a fish in an enormous sea of very talented bloggers, including you! X.
DeleteI looked for your name too. And I was gutted it wasn't there. I felt the exact same when I didn't see my own. But its so subjective isn't it? We will never please all of people all of the time. Ultimately I think we are writing for ourselves. I voted for you and I count myself very lucky to be able to read your wonderful, creative words xxx
ReplyDeleteAnd wonderful creative words they REALLY are.
DeleteYour reward will be your future status as a published successful author.
Liska xx
Ellie - And yours too, I was very sad not to see yours there too - I really thought I would. And you too - so very glad to have found you this year, your blog is such a gem. X
DeleteLiska - Thank you very much! Lets hope so (but not holding my breath, have a mountain to climb with that) X.
Yep I was a bit gutted too - heh ho! I voted for you xxx
ReplyDeleteI tried not to let myself get sucked into a downer - but I did, and was annoyed at myself for letting that happen. But as you say, hey ho! Thank you for the vote X.
DeleteYeah I wanted to see you there too! I completely understand the disappointment. We still love you though and will always remain a loyal follower :)
ReplyDeleteNever mind eh? The depth of my reaction took me by surprise though, and that's why I had to write about it - where was it really stemming from? Thank you :o).
DeleteI really expected to see your name too and couldnt believe it when I couldnt see it. It does not refect on your writing at all. Your blog really stands out as one written by someone who can REALLY write. I voted for you. I know exactly what you mean when I read your words. Hugs. Sarah x
ReplyDeleteThat's very kind, and I do know that - that it does not reflect on my blog. Still, I was very surprised by my response, and took me a couple of days to process it all, and then I felt a real urge to write about it. Thank you X.
DeleteI have no idea where the results even are :( sorry you were disappointed, your writing is amazing and great success awaits you xx
ReplyDeleteThey are on the Britmums website. I was disappointed but I didn't take it as a reflection on my writing, I was more curious at my reaction to it all - that took me by surprise. Still, taking it all in my stride now, on wards and upwards. Thank you X.
DeleteYou are one of my favourite bloggers, like top favourite! I soooo wanted your name to be there, especially as I voted for you. Such a beautiful blog and I'm so pleased that you write it for us all to enjoy xxx
ReplyDeleteWell I was particularly pleased to see your name there! I don't really see my bog as a Lifestyle blog really, so I was very surprised to see myself in that category. And fab to make the final sixteen. Just had this urge to write about my reaction, to ground where it was really coming from. And I very, very much love your blog too! X.
DeleteX There's always next time. I usually feel like this. I think from these comments you can safely say you are doing fab. I also still want to please my parents x
ReplyDeleteThank you.... and you are quite right. Was it right to write about my reaction? I don't know. But I was quite embarrassed about how I felt and had to write about where it was coming from. That urge to please the folks is such a powerful one for me. Why would I feel so angsty over a competition? X.
DeleteOh Sarah, I love every single word that you write and I was stunned that you weren't there. I squealed at each name I recognised and then my heart sank, when you weren't there.
ReplyDeleteI read the list twice, I was certain I'd missed your name.
You will see your name in lights, well at least all over a collection of best selling novels. I have total faith in your writing skill xxx
That's very kind Nichola.... Never mind, it's no reflection - I know that, I wrote this post so I could understand my reaction and it really helped. Fingers crossed that one day I might see myself published. X.
Deleteoh I'm sorry, felt so sure you'd get through. But there will be other opportunities, you write beautifully - your words sparkle, honestly I think they do. Things that sparkle have a way of getting noticed in the end.
ReplyDeleteRelate to the last part of your heartfelt post - still seek the approval of mine, can't help myself xx
It's okay. I am fine. Just wanted to get down how I felt about my reaction to it all, as I was very surprised by it. Parental approval eh? X.
DeletePs. Thank you for saying such kind words about my writing.
I have to say that I was also very disappointed for you - you deserved to be there. Having said that, I know that's not why you've written this - for recognition from others. You certainly don't need it. As others have said, your blog is also one of my favourites and needs no public accolade. However, your post was picked to be read aloud - how cool is THAT?! PS Competition is a very odd thing, I agree.
ReplyDeleteThank you very much, and thank you for reading between the lines... No, I wasn't looking for the recognition, and now feel a little guilty for receiving all these very supportive comments. Reading my post out loud is going to very nerve wracking.
DeleteI was terribly, terribly disappointed not to see you there. But you know these contests can sometimes be a battle of popularity rather than quality. Your writing makes so many people happy and that's worth more than any award.
ReplyDeleteIf it's any consolation, I have never been interested in pleasing anyone, not even my mum and dad, but I still had a touch of 'no one likes my blog' when I wasn't nominated in anything. Our blogs really are a personal extension of ourselves and a little bit of our heart and soul resides in them. It can make even the most nonchalant feel a little unloved.
A very thoughtful comment - thank you very much! I quite agree, they are a popularity contest, and I'm not on social media that much. Still, all the finalists who made it, deserved to be there. I love how down to earth you are, that you don't fall for pleasing others. But as you rightly say, our blogs are very much a personal extension of ourselves and therefore it can smart a little if we don't 'make the grade'.
DeleteThis is another beautifully written emotive post, really do enjoy reading your blog. you're a great writer. So sorry you didn't make it through, you most definitely deserved to, but rest assured you have a wonderful blog that people enjoy reading, that's worth more. Big love xx
ReplyDeleteThank you very much - very kind indeed. And I agree, I really do have a bunch of wonderful loyal readers which is worth loads - more than any competition. Thank you. X.
DeleteAw - a bummer but I really really really look forward to reading your posts and am delighted that you even glance at my blog!!! So here is to a great writer - *raising a champagne glass!* xx P.S I was always the biggest ever loser in maths at school- no human being has ever been worse than me...;-)
ReplyDeleteNever mind eh? Very pleased to have reached the final sixteen. I love your blog. I am happy to wager that I am worse at maths than you! :o).
DeleteYou are an awesome writer!! Don't don't don't let that put you off. Remember how each year at the Oscars you look at the list and sometimes you think "how is that in the finals?" and sometimes there is a movie that is absolutely amazing and you find it didn't win an Oscar and it really should have done. It still remains an absolute classic and is memorable for years to come. That is you and your writing. You write so well you will be successful whenever you put that pen to paper. Xx
ReplyDeleteThank you very very much Tas, now I am blushing - very kind words. And you make a very good point - so very true. It's all very subjective. Here's hoping I make a success out of it one day :o). Lovely comment. X.
DeleteI'm so sorry you didn't make it - but look how far you've come! You're a great writer and going far. Your blog is a mere platform within your process - it is not who you are. This is just the beginning. And to be able to read out one of your posts is a huge honour - as it will be ours to listen to you doing so. Much love and big, sweet hugs. XXX
ReplyDeleteIt's okay lovely. It was a disappointment at first but after writing this post, I felt much, much better, I was able to shift something and move on again. Excited but very nervous at reading one of my posts at the Bibs - I'll need you to hold my hand before I go on. X
DeleteOh I was terrible at lacrosse, all that cradling a ball in wind and rain, how I used to complain about being at a school that thought it was Malory Towers!
ReplyDeleteThe parental thing is hard, after some pressure in my pre-pubescent years, my response to fear of failure was not to try, because then I didn't fail because I couldn't do it, just because I had made no effort. I still find putting myself out there to be judged a terrifying thing, and have to give regular self-addressed pep talks! You win many awards for awesomeness in my eyes , and really looking forward to your keynote! X
I do remember a lot of very cold and very wet games of lacrosse. It was a pretty brutal game wasn't it? But I really enjoyed it. With the parental thing, I went the opposite way with the fear of failing - I pushed myself way too hard. Putting yourself out there is very nerve wracking - I'm very nervous about that keynote! Thank you lovely. X.
DeleteSomebody said to me 'I bet your mum is pleased.'
ReplyDelete'She doesn't know and wouldn't care'
I think you're marvellous xx
Loved this comment - right to the point. Thank you Sarah. X.
DeleteI had this last year with the MADS, it was made all the worst but everyone assuming I was a finalist when I was wasn't. The awards are a very odd business, I truly believe that it is not the best deserving in the categories all the time. Mich x
ReplyDeleteThank you very much for your voice of reason Michelle! Yes, it was a let down but I'm back up and running again :o). Next year I shall a large pinch of salt in hand (that's if I make it that far again). X.
DeleteI think that post proves in itself why your blog is the best! Amazing writing and humane and perceptive to the core. Competitions relying on popular votes (and yes I did vote for you) are going o be tricky relying on exposure as much as pure craft. Your book deal still awaits! Xx
ReplyDeleteThat's very kind Sarah, thank you for your words and the vote! I wasn't expecting this kind of a reaction to this post, and I certainly wasn't expecting the kind of reaction I had to the results of the competition. (I cross my fingers in hope for a deal) X.
DeleteI think you're amazing, I love the way you write and you're brilliant at it. I voted for you in the MAD's and the BiB's, I think your time will definitely come. As for the parents, I'm with you there!
ReplyDeleteThat's so very kind (re. votes) - thank you! I wrote this post to understand my reaction - I certainly wasn't expecting all these supportive comments. I hope my time comes - ie. I get that novel published one day. :o)
DeleteWell if I was in charge you would have an award! Love your writing, you have a really nice style that makes me think I am reading a letter from a friend. I too am looking forward to your keynote!
ReplyDeleteThat's very kind - thank you :o). Thank you for that feedback, really lovely to know that's how you experience my posts and writing - I used to love writing proper letters. And I am very much looking forward to meeting you at Britmums!
DeleteI agree with FFHM, our blogs can be an extension of ourselves and to feel that they are being judged and coming up short can be really difficult to accept.
ReplyDeleteI think your blog and your writing are fabulous. You only have to read the comments above to know that there's a whole army of people out there that think that too - and ready to line up for a signed copy of your first novel!
*sending cake* (again) :0) x
That is a very good point, and therefore very understandable the way in which I reacted. Thank you for your lovely support MP. You are always there, holding my hand, giving me cake, and I so, so appreciate it. I don't hold my breath on that first novel... but a girl can dream. X
DeleteWell, you're a winner with me!
ReplyDeleteLast year I was short listed in the Irish Blog Awards and was so surprised at how devastated I felt whn I didn't make the finalists list! It didn't really matter, not really, but still. I felt as you did and wanted to write about it too. I did, on my iPhone watching a beautiful moon rise through the clouds on the beach. I never posted it though.
I'm glad you posted yours, I understand how you feel :-)
xx Jazzy
Thank you very much Jazzy!
DeleteI remember you mentioning that in a post... I was in two minds whether to post this blog, as I didn't want to come across as 'poor me'and fish for compliments etc .... I wanted to ground my reaction.
Thank you for understanding how I felt X.
I agree with MP, you know what you do is great, better than great, you don't need to see your name in lights to know that. Keep writing. See it as good practice for the future. Writers have things rejected all the time, so this will just make you stronger, and it will hurt less next time.
ReplyDeleteThat's really kind Polly. I hear your words. I will keep writing and writing and writing. And you are very right - I need to get used to rejection, a think skin is needed in this writing business!
DeleteA quick recovery though, Older Mum... my friend and I often refer to ourselves at the B Grade Aussie bloggers, but you know, that's OK. It's keeping on keeping on that works well in bloggyland. I have a ticket for BritMums BUT no flight from Sydney and am pretty sure I won't be able to come. I had to change the June flights to April as I needed to see my Mum after she was unwell. I'd SO LOVE to check out the UK blogging scene more, but looks like I will have to wait until next year. All highly reminiscent of this time last year.
ReplyDeleteCheers from another antique mother in the Antipodes.
*Hello*. Thank you for coming over to comment. Absolutely - a quick recovery it has been - on wards and upwards. Hope your Mum is feeling better, and shame you are not able to come to Britmums this year. The UK blogging scene is great and really thriving.
DeleteCheers to you too! :o).
The fact that you can still write something so lovely and eloquent and compelling about something as daft as a blogging award is definitely proof that you don't need one to validate your writing in any way, because it's just fabulous as it is. I was very disappointed not to see you in the finals, but I can't wait to hear you read, and believe with all my heart that the blog is just the start of a stellar writing career xx
ReplyDeleteThat's very, very kind Dorkymum. Thank you very much. I know that I don't need the validation. Still, I was surprised at my reaction to the results and wanted to write a post to process it all. Wasn't expecting this reaction though! Thank you for believing in me - means a lot. X
DeleteYou're writing is so beautiful and a pleasure to read. You are an amazing writer. And we do still try to please our parents. Big Hugs x
ReplyDeleteThank you very much Susan. That whole parental thing gets me every time! Thank you lovely. X.
DeleteI love this post - I thinks that most of us felt the same sense of dread just looking. I'll fess up here, I didn't look at the results even though I knew they were out. I walked off to make a cuppa and vowed not to look because I knew I'd be upset if I wasn't there. I waited and waited thinking someone would tweet me if I had got through. I get so nervous about these things. Last year at BMums Live I was a finalist in the Fresh Voice category for the newbies and was up against so fab blogs - including one of my best friends Helen from Actually Mummy. I nearly vomited with nerves, I loved being in the final few but loathed being with people I loved in there which sounds really odd but I couldn't help it - it worried me so much. I think it's when you put your all into something it's really hard stuff.
ReplyDeleteThis time next year you'll no doubt be sat there fanning yourself with a copy of your first book - total faith in your ability to make that happen x
Thank you very much lovely lady. Your thoughtful comment actually put me at ease because I was nervous about results day and really quite dreading when they were due to be published. I remember thinking that last year at Britmums - you were there with Actually Mummy and Dorkymum and Grenglish. I can imagine if you are in the same group with other friends, who ever wins, might have pangs of guilt that it should have gone to one of their buddies etc. But it was pretty much a given you were going to win it last year :o). Everyone knew it.
DeleteAnd thank you for your vote of confidence in me and my little 'ole book - that meant a lot. Thank you. X
A crime I say! A crime! Your blog is just wonderful and your writing is beautiful - we all love it, finalist or not, that doesn't change. This is how I felt too, scrolling down willing my name to be there and.... it wasn't. But what is meant to be will be. Who we are and what we write doesn't change because of awards. I didn't even realise there were awards for blogging when I started, so being shortlisted was a wonderful cherry on top for me. Next year - full steam ahead ;-) xx
ReplyDeleteThat's very, very kind - thank you very much. Although I certainly wasn't looking for this kind of supportive response when I initially wrote my post. It's really taken me aback. Sorry not to see you there too :o(. Full steam ahead next year! X.
DeleteBeautifully written, and so honest. Was disappointed too when I did not find your name... :o( Next year? xx
ReplyDeleteThank you very much Katia.... On wards and upwards - there is always next year. But this has been a great lesson learner not to base the quality of my blog on competitions. X.
Deletewe all are!
ReplyDeleteyour blog is belting lovely xxx
Thank you very much! X.
DeleteThank you for your lovely comments on the blog, it's great to know people read it! I love this post, wonderfully written as always and you know what your time will come Mrs. Because you're brilliant. Weirdly my mum said she was proud of me the other day - first time for many many years, decades even :)
ReplyDeleteThat's my pleasure, and thank you very much for your kind words. Re. your mum - the first time in years!!! Bet you did a double take when you heard that :o).
DeleteI can totally empathise with every single well crafted and chosen word.
ReplyDeleteBiBs and any of the blogging awards are a fabulous thrill and indeed recognition but it is all about votes and popularity. So just like school really. I look forward to meeting you at Britmums and we can safely down a couple of cheeky chardonnays without fear of slurring our acceptance speeches x
Thank you, and you are totally right, it really does fall down to popularity. Very much looking forward to seeing you again at Britmums. X.
DeleteA lovely post but a sad sentiment. Your writing is fantastic - you only need to read all these comments to realise that. I know it's not the same, but you've got a devoted readership who know you're ace. I could never even dream of making a long-list! Pat yourself on the back for getting as far as you did - no mean feat. Hope to see you at Britmums - not long now! x
ReplyDeleteThank you my dear! I think having the lovely, lovely readership I have is way, way better than a competition - means a million! I am very, very pleased for being shortlisted. On wards and up wards. Very much hope to meet you at Britmums! X.
Delete