May be I have forgotten?
What it's like to be young(er).
I can barely see my twenties, faintly sniff my early thirties, but fully taste my forties. Oh I'm gorging on middle age alright, fat and full on lattes and chocolate fingers. I've swapped clubbing and guest lists for weeding the borders and a vegetable patch. Hundreds of records lay piled in storage, their place taken by giant sized jigsaws, miniature tea sets, organza princess frocks, and boxes of glitter and pipe cleaners and glue.
And a walk down Brick Lane with a good friend one warm July evening sealed the deal. We were misfits among the younglings, their ironing board stomachs, their kicker-length dresses. Oh the curry was good. The curry was wonderful. An in-the-know curry house down a side street. Prawn Pathia (no 52.). Tarka Dhal (no 83, as a side). Tiger Beer (cool, straight from the fridge). For the first time, I didn't feel part of a London jigsaw. All the pieces were in place elsewhere. Snug. Watertight. I was an outsider looking in, a suburban creature now, petunias and lobelia hanging from garden baskets.
But do I care? Do I really care? Actually no, not one minuscule jot. I always thought I'd spin vinyl forever, hearing aid on, false teeth floating in a glass beside the 1210's. So glad it won't turn out this way. I became a mother. Anxious, terrified, hormonally insane. Fragile. The meniscus formed on water. But over time, the edges levelled and rounded. I greeted the hidden notes, I met myself, all the shitty narrative. Acceptance. I discovered love without limit. My skin was safe, a good place to be.
I am in full bloom. Not the brilliant petals of a young flower, they belong to years gone by. My cells are dry and sagging. No, I'm like an ageing sunflower head, one you might find at August's end. Hundreds of seeds. Dark grey and tear shaped. Ripe with insight, with purpose. I'm getting the gist of this middle aged lark. Now is the time of harvest, when originality might finally find place, and shine. I am both neurotic and at peace with myself. And this makes me smile...
This is the second day of the seasonal linky One Week. From Monday till Wednesday, I'll be posting a photograph(s) and a few words that diarises and distills my experience of summer '13. Take a peep at the details here. You can join in for one, two ... or the full three days. And don't forget to add #oneweek on Twitter, and comment on each others posts...
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I think that is one of your best posts ever - warm, funny, sincere as always, but something extra special about this one - the self-acceptance, I think, not to mention the amazing photographs. You're a legend in the making my darling friend xx
ReplyDeleteDo you think so? That's too kind my dear.... I don't know about legend but good enough will do! Big fat kisses to you. X
DeleteYour pictures are beautiful.
ReplyDeleteThank you!
DeleteThat is a tremendous description. Wonderful.
ReplyDeleteThank you very much - that's very kind.
DeleteWow! I am in awe...
ReplyDeleteThank you! But please don't be.:o).
Deletei totally agree. tho your description of the grannie DJ sounds pretty cool actually :) xx
ReplyDeleteThat's good to know :o). She does sound pretty cool doesn't she? X.
DeleteOh I am so with you on this one Sarah. yes there are bits of me I'd like to change, but on the whole I'm a happy, peaceful old bird and glad to be in my 40's and still have my own teeth and not need a hip replacement just yet ha :) I love the pictures, nothing says summer quite like bees and sunflowers xx
ReplyDeleteSo glad to know you are enjoying your 40's too - they're grand aren't they? Glad you like the pictures lovely! X.
DeleteSo very honest, so very beautiful x
ReplyDeleteThank you very much indeed! X.
DeleteI really related to this post! I have felt very much like an outsider for a while now, but I am now gaining some acceptance of the fact that I am no longer young, and am finding a new niche for myself. Neither of us is over the hill yet, though!
ReplyDeleteI liked that... I liked that a lot - 'finding a new niche for yourself'. I think that's exactly what it's about. Still plenty of years left in us! :o).
DeleteAhhhhh wonderfully written and so much contentment oozing through it. And MY GOD look at at that first photo. Amazing!
ReplyDeleteThank you very much. Yeah, that first photo is something special isn't it?
DeleteLovely post and gorgeous photos. I love the analogy to the sunflower. The only thing is...I read an article recently that declared middle age is now aged 53. So, technically, you're still young :0) Cheers to that too! x
ReplyDeleteThank you lovely lady... shame sun flower season is well and truly over now! Middle age - 53? Really? I am but a wee nipper still! :o).
DeleteYour beautiful post resonates with my life. And your photos are stunning too x.
ReplyDeleteIt's nice to know, that this resonated with you. Thank you. X.
DeleteLove this post! In my late 30s, I'm not where I thought I'd be either. I expected to be posted to another far flung country and be busying myself being all corporate and ruthless. However, two boys later, the countryside beckons and more and more frequently, so does an apron.
ReplyDeleteThank you lovely! How life can change eh? But I bet you wouldn't go back to how things were before? To think that soon you will be back in Wales, donning a pair of wellies and er, putting an apron on? :o).
DeletePhotos! Words! Bliss!
ReplyDeleteI was chatting about something similar to a friend at some trendy London event a couple of months back. Seeing the twenty somethings, all beautiful, toned and young, enjoying themselves, very fashion conscious and living for the moment - fleetingly I thought 'Oh to be young'. Then swiftly the realisation that to be so focused on what trend was 'in', how one looks, finding a partner, making ends meet and all that goes with being so young struck me, and I very much felt like the luckiest one in the room x
Thank you my dear!
DeleteI think your twenties can be a wonderful time especially with the whole living for the moment thing. But then there are all the doubts and insecurities. It's not that I don't have those now, I do, but I think the gift of age is having a thicker skin, greater acceptance, and priorities in the right order. Also, you know yourself an awful lot better too, maturity, and you can't put a price on that! X.
You are such a talented photographer! and really love this post - so warm and honest and funny :-) x
ReplyDeleteThank you very much... glad you thought it was funny, I'm never quite sure about my sense of humour. :o)
DeleteI turned 43 this year, so I totally relate to this post. I agree with what Annie says about not yearning to be in my 20's again (although I'd quite like my slim body back, lol). I wouldnt want all those insecurities back and trying to keep up with the jones, glad that's all over and I no longer feel the need to impress anyone. Great post Sarah xxx
ReplyDeleteI turn 43 end of this year :o). Even though I had such exciting times in my 20's would I want to repeat those years? No, probably not - was a bit of a white knuckle ride at times - too many insecurities. Thank you. X.
DeleteI find all the different phases of life interesting. As far as I remember I have always been "happy in my age"! :o)
ReplyDeleteI really love the way you write, and the photos you add to your posts. xx
Indeed they are! So lovely to hear you have always felt happy throughout your various ages. Thank you lovely! X.
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