Saturday 2 January 2016

Over (and out)

I am eating the remains of a New Year's curry. Me and her stayed in and ordered a saag bahji, saag panir, cauliflower bahji, brinjal bahji, a tarka dall, and chowed most of it down with a portion of pilau rice between us. Younger Dad, only not so young anymore (psst, he's 38 this year), saw in 2016 with his mates in Norwich. I don't do New Years Eve - give me a warm bed, a grand novel and my bed socks any day.

And today, the first day of the year, I've been rewriting this post over and over in my head, over being the salient word.

I'm throwing in the towel, taking the decorations down, closing the door. But carefully. I must take care to wrap the baubles in finest tissue, not to tread and crush out the fairy lights. Everything must be dismantled gently, stowed away with love, as I may need it all again, yes - I'm sure that I will... someday.

...this blog, this blog, what it has given me, or maybe I should rephrase that to what I've given myself.

Never thought to write, it was all a ruddy great accident at the time. But light is so often found in the darkest of corners - thank you post natal illness, thank you anxiety, thank you fear.

And I was in a muddle when I started this, when I wrote the first words. A mother to an eighteen month year old. A mother. A mother who had forgotten herself, saw the curtains drawn instead of the stars, who couldn't see beyond the bridge of her nose, the future and the journey.

One post followed another and then another.

And now... and now I am a writer, a therapist, a yogaholic. I have cut off my hair. Had a tattoo. Plan another. I am not sad or anxious. I'm in a pretty good place. I have finally made peace that I will only ever be a mother to just one beautiful child, but the decision feels right - no more doubt and vacillation, and anyway, my body clock has ticked on, and I have been lucky, so very lucky. I have clarity, the fog lifted on the road ahead. Illness has moulded and shaped me. The person I was before my daughter seems unfamiliar and unmade, just a different person I guess.

I don't call her Little A anymore. How can I? Little she ain't, the height chart, the marks on the wall confirming otherwise. She turns six at the end of this month, and I don't feel as comfortable writing about her anymore. Or maybe I've simply run out of ideas.

I am about to take a greater step back from the blogging community, a community that has supported and nurtured me and my writing. And this I do feel nervous about. I will try to read blogs when I can but I can't make any promises; time has become a squeeze, two enclosing walls - Han, Leia and Luke in the garbage room - and I must organise it wisely.

So I need to create room and sharper focus. I feel split having my creative writing divided between two blogs, and now I need to narrow this down to one.

Closure is important to me. It releases energy, expectation, while granting new ideas.

Thank you dear reader for reading Older Mum in a Muddle, for commenting - your thoughtful words and encouragement have meant the world to me. I wish you a wonderful 2016 and fulfilment in whatever projects lie ahead.

And if you wish to adjust your television set, you'll find me twiddling words on my other blog, Sadie Hanson. But never say never - a moment may arise when I'll need this space again.

My word for 2016? Bold.

Over and out.

37 comments:

  1. Love your words and will read them wherever you choose to share them xxx

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  2. Good luck to Sarah! I'll come and follow you over.

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  3. Oh wow, you've come a long way these past few years! Looking forward to continuing to read your beautiful words on your other blog and in your novel too when it's ready! Happy 2016 xxx

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    1. Thank you. Yes, this blog has come a long way but now the time feels right to set it aside for the while. And thank you for following me on my other blog :o). X

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  4. It's been wonderful to share this journey with you, from the very beginning - and to watch your writing grow. You have an amazing gift and much to offer, so it makes sense not to spread yourself too thin. I shall be following you over at Sadie Hanson and continue to enjoy you blossoming into the awesome writer you are today. I hope very much we stay in touch dear friend. Lots and lots of love and thanks for sharing all you have and do and are and very, very best wishes with all your passions and projects. Big kiss to not so younger dad and not so little A. XXX

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    1. How strange, I hop on to revisit the blogging world and find the swan song post. I knew it was coming, from our conversation in September. I totally agree, it is both the right time and thing to do. I feel we were part of the blogging world at the perfect time - a hey day - and I am glad to have made some wonderful friends and memories at our annual Britmums meet up. I won't say goodbye, because it is not, I am already enjoying your journey with words as Sadie H.

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    2. OSM, Anya - Hello lovely. Thank you very much for such a warm, heartfelt comment. Of course we will stay in touch, that goes without staying. And thank you for being such an awesome blogging friend right from the very beginning - we were one of the first real friends I made in the blogging community. Big, big love to you too lovely lady. XXX

      Lynsey - And you, another fab friend I made at the beginning of this blogging malarky. It felt like the right thing to do. Keep things tight and focused, and also felt like a heavy weight lifted from my shoulders. And certainly not goodbye - NO. :o). Big love. X.

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  5. Wow! Go you. I'm not surprised you've dipped out and in over the last little while, this seems like the very right decision. I admire it. The community has changed its smaller circles now that have translated into something different. I don't think you need to feel nervous - the good threads are still there. Enjoy being bold. I'm sure you will amazing and awesome too. X

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    1. Hello lovely! It just felt like the right time, and life happens you know? But bold feels like a good way to go.... and if I need it, this blog is still here. And of course I'll still be following you! X

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  6. In that case, adieu not au revoir and I hope to still bump into you somewhere around the blogosphere x

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    1. And you too, and I will still be following your lovely blog (when I get the chance!). X

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  7. Good luck on your next step, I'm sure it will be grand but don't pull the plug on this one, store it carefully where you can find it easily.

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    1. Thank you very much Mari. I won't pull the plug on this one - I'll keep it safe. No doubt I will need it again one day :o).

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  8. From Polly, previously of Caughtwriting - I can't seem to sign in other than annonymously :( OH my goodness! The end of an era. I will be sad not to see your posts in my inbox anymore. I got so much out of your blog, being an older mum too, and I related so much to what you were writing. Yours was one of the first blogs I came across when I was feeling lost and adrift and directionless. It gave me somewhere to go where I could read about other people's experiences and know that I wasn't alone. Like you, I have begun to find a new peace, but I will still miss you. But I will tune in to your other blog. Very best wishes to you Sarah xx

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    1. Hello Polly, another blogging 'oldie'. I guess it is the end of an era but not forever, and along with Anya etc, you were one of the first blogging friends I found :o). What are you doing now? I hope that you are still writing, and very glad that you've found a new peace now. I guess that's what happened to me too, and therefore it's time to move on.... but the space is always here if I need it! X

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  9. Ah I will miss your blog and your passion running through it all but, having been following your journey for a long time, I understand why and I'm so happy for you about where you've ended up with it all. You are a fantastic writer and any time you come back, I'll be ready again xx

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    1. Hello lovely....yes, now feels the right time, and I need to slimline my life and keep it tightly knitted together instead of spreading myself far and wide. And I will be back here no doubt, sometime in the future....and I will still be popping over to your blog when I get the time :o). X.

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  10. Brave and bold - good luck to you!

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  11. I am quite sad that this blog will be no more :( But I'm understanding of why too. It seems that it may have served you with such purpose and you have now out-grown it? In the most positive way possible! And that makes me very happy to hear.
    I didn't know you had another blog and I will most definitely follow any of your wonderful posts over there. I do so much love your writing!
    The very best of luck to you in the year ahead :) xx

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    1. It isn't going to be 'no more' ....I'll still come back to it when I need it although that might not be for a while :o). But at the moment, I've kind of grown out of it, couldn't think of anything else to write about, and please come and follow me over on my other blog :o). X

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  12. You sound content my lovely. The most important thing. No longer in a Muddle. And inner calm plus focus has got to be a killer combination! Look forward to seeing where they take you. You have so much talent. Also, quite envious of your yoga-ability.... trying to get into it, but just makes me ache all over! xxx

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    1. I'm content(ish), and definitely no longer in such a muddle - that's what this blog helped to do. I'm still aiming for that inner calm and focus LOL. Thank you lovely.... and keep up with your yoga - the benefits are brilliant! X

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  13. Closing the blog has also crossed my mind lately but I'm ot quite ready to finish with it yet. It's good to know that you know when the right time for you has come. I'll miss you on my blog list but I hope youll pop back at some time in the future to catch us up. Meanwhile I"ll be checking out Sadie Hanson. Take care xxx

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    1. Hello lovely.... I'm still following your blog and will read and comment when I can. Yeah - I guess I did know the right time to pause, but it's still here if I need it which I'm sure I will at some point. I guess what I'm really doing is taking a big break. And please pop over and check out my other blog :o). X

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  14. I'm so pleased you are in a good place now. Best of luck with your wonderful writing, wherever it may be. I will swap this for Sadie Hanson on my blog roll.

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    1. Hello you! Yeah, I reckon I'm in a better place now, and this 'ole blog is still here if I need it :o). So glad you are going to stay in touch via my other blog! :o)

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  15. It has been a real pleasure to read your blog and follow your journey - as a mum and as a writer - and to get to know you personally too. This has always been one of my favourite places in the blogosphere, so am glad to know that you aren't disappearing completely. Good luck with the next chapter - I will be sure to follow you on Sadie Hanson from now on. Lots of love xx

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    1. Hello lovely, lovely lady! Thank you, it's been such a pleasure to read you and get to know you too. Again, you were one of my first blogging friends, and I absolutely fell in love with your blog - you write so wonderfully :o)... No, I'm not disappearing, will be back here if I need to be, and it will be great to see you over at SH :o). Big love to you too! XXX

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  16. I love your writing S, and whilst I will miss it here, I will pop over to your new home to find you there... Good luck with everything, and I love your word for the year too x

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    1. Thank you very much - love yours too! It will be great to see you over on the other blog, and glad you like my word :o). X

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  17. I've loved reading your posts and will miss this blog - but it really sounds like you have outgrown it, in many good ways, and I hope we stay in touch through your other blog and creative writing. Best of luck! love Jess xxx

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    1. Thank you lovely. And yes, I have out grown it for the time being. I would very much like to stay in touch and hope your blog is still going from strength to strength - keep the wryness up! Love to you too xxx

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