Wednesday 1 October 2014

New Shoes


The day before was about distraction. A trip to the bowling alley and a pizza with her cousins. Always ham and mushroom. Always with a glass of apple juice. And later, dressing up as a garden fairy and Queen Elsa, and a light tea of scrambled eggs. Afterwards, she watched Peter Pan while I stretched on the yoga mat.

It was a while before she fell asleep. I was summoned. She was excited and worried and sad. Mummy, why can't I go back to pre-school tomorrow? But I couldn't turn the clock back; her new sky blue uniform pressed and folded on her dressing table stool. I felt it too: the sadness; and an inexplicable feeling I couldn't put my finger on. I couldn't write that evening, there was too much to process; instead, I curled under the duvet with a book, and remembered my first day; the green tunic; the sash; the grey cardigan; the green gabardine and hat; and waiting in the playground for my name to be called and join my new class. My heart stammered: tomorrow would feel like my first day repeated again.

We set off early, walking through the fallen leaves on the warm September morning. Parents and children were gathering in the playground. She found a friend and holding hands they ran around the woodland area with their book bags and water bottles. When the bell rang, there was a sense of unreality in the air as she lined up with the other children in reception; and then I waved bye-bye as she marched quite happily in single file through the main door. That was that: she was gone; she had disappeared into a world of paper, paint and glue I would never belong. Around me were swelling eyes and looks of bewilderment, like a foot had been amputated. There was a gap between the blind and the window sill. I took a peak; she had her back turned to me, was paying attention to her teacher. Good girl. I walked home, a pinch of anxiety in the veins; and after closing the door behind me, I made a cup of tea and filled the sink with suds. 

Nearly a month later, I am not so sure I have fully adjusted. There have been accidents: I bumped the new car; I pronged my chin on a garden cane; I dropped an amplifier bound for the post office denting a corner; and my asthma tightened like a flower press. There is clearly more processing to be done. She, however, is coping just fine. Mummy, I had chicken pie with pasta today. Mummy, the shortbread and jelly was yummy. Mummy, can 'so-and-so' come to play? But when pushed on the actual nitty-gritty of her lessons, she hasn't been as forthcoming; I can't remember what I did today. I'm too tired to talk right now, Mummy. Obviously, I will have to change my tack. She does enjoy 'reading' her picture books though. This week we received her first full story with words: simple sentences like I am a mat; I am a cat; I am a bat.

Every day she comes home with a new knock or scrape to the knee, or her dress and arms covered in the coagulated mess of the muddy kitchen. The washing machine has never seen this much action. She is happy. I am relieved: I am proud. She is surviving the full days even with the added ballet and swimming after school; I think I am more tired than she is; and as for her new shoes, well they are well and truly scuffed.

44 comments:

  1. This is lovely, so evocative as always. Have missed reading you on my blog break. Am writing now and then but only slowly getting back into the blog habit, so apologies if you are wondering where I've been! It's a massive adjustment. My middle son started school this term and I was fine at first, but like you and feeling the impact of the change more now. Hope all's well. x

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    1. Thank you very much! And no worries about where you've been: read and comment whenever you want to - you have a busy life, after all :o). And it is a big adjustment when they start school. More for us than it is for them. I hope your middle son has settled in well. X

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  2. I am so pleased she is settled and understand that you are so unsettled. These adjustments are neverending and you are letting go of a whole lot more than just Little A for a few hours. For the first time since all your trauma, you can actually breathe but your body doesn't remember how. Take you time, my dear friend and re-member yourself. Much love and congratulations xxxx

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    1. Thank you lovely lady..... still adjusting but getting there, and as you quite rightly say, my body is still learning how to relax and accept! I hope you are well and your fab boys are really enjoying the new school term! X

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  3. So beautifully written, and I'm in tears as this perfectly describes my feelings in seeing my little one off to school too. I'm still feeling disjointed also, and Monday will see her stay for a long day for the first time. I think it's all going to take a lot of getting used to. For all of us! Xx

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    1. Thank you very much! I am still getting used to it :o) It's very quiet at home during the day now - I really miss having her around; I love her company. I hope your little one has settled in now :o) X.

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  4. Oh she sounds like she's doing so well; tired scuffed and happy! I'd never thought how much school will bring back my own memories although I don't think I can remember my own first day with quite so much clarity! I do know what you mean about feeling how something is missing from you without them, that's how I felt leaving them at nursery the first few months :)

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    1. You know they're happy when they're making a mess and coming home from school looking like an urchin. I am beginning to get used to the her absence now, but the house is very quiet! :o)

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  5. A very evocative description of a time of adjustment. I wasn't blogging when my son started school (probbaly no-one was, it was that long ago) so I don't have a record of how I felt but I do remember it well. I can even recall what I was wearing that day.
    This is the first of many new starts you will have with your daughter over the years. September is always a month of change: new year, move to secondary school, off to university....
    The scuffed shoes never change!

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    1. Thank you very much. It's funny how we recall what we wore on those important days and milestones. And like you say.... the will be another change each time September comes around, and a new pair of shoes! :o).

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  6. This will be me next year and I'm already bracing myself. The processing for us is always a tad slower. So glad she is enjoying it though. Surely pudding is more important than school work :)

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    1. Enjoy the pre-school days: it comes around so fast. She's having a great time, and pudding is definitely more important than learning to count.

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  7. You always write so beautifully and this post is no exception. I think this feeling is familiar to all parent when their children start school - they suddenly have a whole new world that we're not a part of! I think we have to concentrate on the fact that this is a good thing though, even though it is painful for us! Your daughter sounds like she is doing amazingly well - you can be a very proud mum. xx

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    1. Thank you very much..... it's a big change for everyone, and of course it's a good thing too. As far as I'm aware, she's having a great time so far, and I am really proud of her :o). X

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  8. All these years later and I still get next to no info about what happens at school…apart from a detailed run through of the lunch menu! Made me smile when I read something similar in your lovely post. So glad she's settled in quickly: not always such a speedy process for us xx

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    1. Well I'm glad you said that: at least I know what to expect now :o). So far, so good; she's doing great and enjoying herself. I am doing my best to readjust to it all. X

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  9. We have also just started big school. It takes some getting used to. We have homework almost every night but that's not a problem (yet). Our biggest issue is getting up and out on time in the morning. It's entirely my fault, we're rubbish at going to bed early. I'm glad your little one has settled in so well. You'll get used it, don't worry. ;).

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    1. I am still adjusting. I don't think I realised how big a change it would be - bigger than I banked on. So I am trying not to do too much (which is difficult) and just letting the dust settle. We're a bit rubbish at getting up too!

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  10. Aww... your baby is truly growing up! And you may get used the 'can't remember' 'don't know'. Cherish them... before they change into teenage grunts!! Sorry to hear about the new car - ouchie - but delighted that little A is settling in well :-) xx

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    1. She is indeed.... more to come on that car bump :o). So far, Little A is loving school and learning to read! X

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  11. So pleased to read your "big girl" is doing so well, Sarah. Take your time to adjust, you will be fine... :) xx

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    1. It's hard to believe that she turns five next year.... and I am taking my time; trying not to do too much, being mindful of my reactions, and reading plenty of good books! X.

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  12. Beautiful post. It is such a massive thing in your life and takes some adjusting. My last one starts next year and that will be hard I know. xx

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    1. Thank you very much! I am definitely still adjusting - it all seems very new at the moment. I hope your little one is loving preschool. X

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  13. Aww such a beautiful post. Really pleased to read that that your 'baby' is loving being at big school. I remember how hard I cried when my first baby started school, I was devastated xxx

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    1. Thank you very much! So far, she's really enjoying it; and I'm glad she likes the school dinners, and like yourself, I was teared up! X

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  14. Such a bitter sweet post. So glad she is getting on well though, that's just lovely! Not so lovely are the scrapes you have been getting into though, hope you are OK. As for telling parents how the day has gone at school, I always find "what was the funniest thing that happened at school today" kind of question works wonders, my two never never talk about the actual work! :D xx

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    1. I'm okay thanks, but clearly I wasn't really monitoring my reaction to events :o). Those are the kind of questions I'm trying to ask Little A now - but I hadn't thought about 'the funniest thing that happened' - that's a good angle. :o). X

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  15. What do they do to their shoes?! I just don't know how they manage it. Lovely to hear that not-so-Little A is doing so well at school. My eldest started at pre-school in September and is hugely enthusiastic about it. I'm still a little sad that he's not around so much. I've no idea how I'm going to cope when he goes all day next year.

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    1. Tell me about it! It looks like they drag their toes along the sharpest part of the pavement. I am now equipped with polish though! I think having him away for a shorter time at pre-school will help prepare you for when he starts properly, but I have to say, it's very quiet around the house now.

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  16. Little A becoming big girl A and starting school. It seems only yesterday I was reading posts when she was really really little. I feel for you, as I know you must miss her dreadfully and of course, it will take time to adjust. I am so glad she's enjoying it though- and what a thrill to be on the word books already! I remember when Pip bought home his first book with words. I felt very proud. As for the shoes - I know exactly what you mean about the scuffs - Scuff proof shoes - now there's a business idea……

    Sorry for the delay in commenting - have had woman flu. (Sends germy kiss across the internet x).

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    1. I know! Not so little any more..... and like you say, to think that when I started this blog she was only a year and a half. Scary how fast time passes. It's so quiet during the day now, and I do really miss her. She's enjoying learning to read - and that's another thing I can't quite believe she's learning to do now. Scuff proof shoes = excellent business idea! X

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  17. Ahhh this is giving me visions of what next year will bring for me. She reminds me of what Z says, "I played with the children" being his stock answer for everything. It sounds like she's loving it though. Xx

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    1. Yes, she's having a great time thank you :o). I get the impression most children are minimal with their answers! X

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  18. Ouch for your poor chin, hope it's feeling a lot better and the asthma subsides. Beautifully written as always.

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    1. It hurt! Thankfully I have the asthma under control now :o); and thank you!

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  19. Oh I'm so glad that you've written about Little A starting school and how you've both got on. To be honest, it's been as I imagined! Little A seems a very well adjusted little girl, sure of the love you have for her. It's always harder for mummies! Lots of love to you both. It will ease I promise x

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    1. It's definitely harder for mummies :o). The only thing that seems to be a problem at the moment is that she has a permanent cough and a cold - to be expected I guess. Love to you too! X

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  20. Aw I miss Libs so much when she is at school, this sums it up perfectly x

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  21. Little man starts pre school in Jan and I am not looking forward to it one little bit. I know he will be fine. Me on the other hand....

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    1. Bless him..... he'll love it. But my understanding is that he is the last of your children to begin school? Big changes for you then!

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  22. Beautiful writing as always and so pleased she is settling well. Takes a while for us to adjust, I missed my boy terribly. You get used to it and you adjust and holiday time and weekends become so precious xx

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    1. Thank you.... she has settled in well but like your boy, she has had a permanent cold. We have big, big cuddles when she gets home! X

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