The art of discipline, I find, treads a delicate balance between draconian finger pointing and liberal indulgence. Between castigation and permissiveness. The (good) text books and psychologists applaud firm boundary setting, and I agree, for children feel safe and emotionally held when they buffet against the parental limitations of 'no', 'I've already warned you once', and 'you do that again and I'm switching off Rastamouse.' Consequences teach the invaluable lessons of cause and effect, Hindus and Buddhists, I believe, call this Karma.
I like to think that I am flexible in my approach to boundary setting, that I pick my battles carefully, that daily raids of the fridge or an extra episode of Timmy Time aren't worth raised words. I like to think that if I give a little, my will full offspring might reciprocate in kind. And this seems to work (most of the time), Little A being hesitantly malleable to requests of 'socks off', 'shoes on', 'books back on the shelf' (please).
But yesterday afternoon was different. Yesterday, I had to dish out some 'proper' discipline...
The scene was set a squash and a squeeze before teatime. Little A sat perched on my lap, facing me, at the kitchen table.
"Mummy can I do some painting?"
"No, I'm sorry sweetheart, it's tea time in ten minutes."
And with my response, Little A's eyes began to water, her face began to redden, to contort with toddler fury, and then, without a blink, a small hand administered a stinging slap, nay, whack, that planted itself on my right cheek bone catching the hollow of my eye. BIG. ALMIGHTY. OUCH. I loudly mirrored (screamed) my displeasure at her behaviour...
"Little A you really, really hurt mummy. Say sorry."
"No!"
"Right, then it's time out on the thinking cushion."
"No! No! I don't want to sit on the thinking cushion."
"I'm sorry Little A, but that's where we're going."
So I packed her up, and took her forthwith downstairs, down to the cushion on the floor in mummy and daddy's bedroom. The thinking cushion only presents itself in times of physical outbursts - there haven't been many but recently Little A has begun testing her physical nerve, again.
On the way, there was a request for the potty. Mid flow, a sobbing Little A apologised in earnest. I wanted to say okay, to cuddle her with pants and trousers concertinaed around her ankles. But I knew I had to follow through. So I gently acknowledged that I'd heard her sorry. But, I had said it was the thinking cushion. So the thinking cushion we must go...
"Noooo Mummy!"
I firmly held a wriggling, resistant Little A on the cushion, wrapping my limbs around her body. She remained on the cushion for two minutes (she's two years old). Then I explained to her why we had done this. That we don't hit, nip or scratch other people (and certainly not mummy). That I could see I'd angered her when I said 'no' to paint. But that we still don't lash out when we can't have something. And that, importantly, she'd caused me pain, and must say sorry (again).
"Sorry Mummy."
And a big fat hug ensued.
In the aftermath I felt unsettled, upset, a bad parent. Although I know it's often necessary, it always saddens me when I have to play bad cop. Boundary setting and disciplining is a fine art, made all the more challenging by the anger it fires in me when Little A misbehaves. Sometimes it's like taming two beasts. It really is an aspect of parenting I don't enjoy, that I feel quite unsure about, that I will have to increasingly engage with, no doubt, the older Little A becomes... (minefield).
So how do you handle discipline?
Gosh this is a hard one in this mad PC world we live in today, and would hate to have to try and raise a child these days,
ReplyDeleteShe realised she did wrong so I think you handled it correctly, not that I should be giving child rearing advice, I don't really understand the time out rule.
I know what my mum would have done to me, she would have slapped me right back, thankfully those days are over now for the majority of children.
You can only do the best you can do, so don't ever feel you are a bad parent.
x
Thank you for your very supportive comment Dawn - and you are so right - back in the day punishment was a lot severer, and parents (some) didn't think twice about their actions - the back of a slipper or a belt was the norm. X.
DeleteI am so pleased I fund your blog - I agree with your course of action. Follow through is critical and violence is totally unnecessary! It takes merges to recover when we have cross words too, I hate having to put on my 'cross voice' normally threat of the cross voice will suffice
ReplyDeleteI didn't enjoy doing it - but consistency is so important for children, and you have to follow through, particularly with the big stuff!
DeleteI think you did brilliantly and that instead of feeling a 'bad' parent you should be really proud of yourself that you dealt with the situation in a way that was firm, fair and ended in you having a big hug. I think picking my battles is the only way I get through the day and although the 'naughty step' is still available for serious misdemeanours a look of doom, the cross face or the threat (which has been carried out) of losing computer/tv time usually works.
ReplyDeleteAnother trick I learnt really early on was offering the double positive - "are you going to walk up the stairs on your own or are you going to hold my hand as we go up?" The child thinks they're getting a choice and you get what you want - have sworn by that one time and time again. x
Thank you for your lovely comment Cheetahs! Yes, the thinking cushion is for the serious stuff, like the above, and like you I have that look of doom, cross face or give the consequence of losing something. The double positive is something I use - its dispelled many tantrums - gives them choice, and we, the parents, stay in control! X.
DeleteAwww I really like your thinking cushion technique. Can I please nick it?
ReplyDeleteCourse you can! I called it the thinking cushion because I thought it sounded nicer than the time out cushion or the naughty cushion ...
Deleteyou did very well, you stayed calm, you didn't have her adopted and hopefully she took in why it was wrong. How much over 2 is she? I hate seeing mine upset but sometimes we have to be firm. TC is 26 months now and has more mini tantrums now, I do the double positive thing too cheetah, its better than having the other 2 choices, slim & none! I also do the diversion thing now but you were presented with A sitting on your lap, so a captive audience!
ReplyDeleteI think we have to be mini pyschologists to understand how a child's mind works and then thwart them if needed :))
Hey MLM! Thank you! She is a couple of months passed 2.5 years, so really starting to test the boundaries now. And you are right - there are times when we do have to be firm. Mini psychologists - definitely. That double positive really does work! :o).
DeleteWhen Pip was 2 we went through a very taxing stage of him really stretching the boundaries. I was at my wits end. I firmly believe that if you don't set the boundaries early you make all kinds of problems for yourself later on. I found it really hard to find an approach and be consistent with it. In the end I bought Supernanny's confident toddler care and the section on discipline was my godsend. 'Going down to their level, giving a warning, and then using the naughty step to follow through if needed. I have to say, I can't remember the last time I used the naughty step (it was used v. infrequently anyway) but a warning is normally enough to suffice. (He's a goody two shoes at heart.)
ReplyDeleteGood advice about the double positive - I will try that.
I agree - boundaries set when they are young, however challenging that may seem, will lead to an easier life when they get older. An undisciplinable five year old is no fun! I like to give a warning first too - but when a slap like the above comes out of nowhere, then its time for the thinking cushion - no warnings! The double positive - it does work! :o).
DeleteA bad mummy? You certainly were not. This is what any good and caring parent would do and should do. I always think its worth reminding even the littlest ones that we discipline and punish them because we love them very much and want them to grow up being the best person they can be. We certainly don't enjoy it. It does make you feel rubbish afterwards, granted :( glad you hugged afterwards, that's what matters x
ReplyDeleteThank you - I know I'm not really, but it gets to me when I have to dish out punishment, and firmly show her the consequences of her actions. And she was very, very sorry in the end (the hug was lovely) - she then tried it on a again today - and I gave her the 'don't cross mummy' look - she backed down straight away.
Delete'Course you're not a bad mummy. Children quickly learn to identify and exploit empty threats. Toddler taming is a painful business, but believe me it pays off. My 7 and 10yos have their faults but they know no means no.
ReplyDeleteI know I'm not really - but I feel a tad rubbish in the moment of being firm - and you are so right - they are clever little blighters and learn loop holes very fast. And like you say, you are now seeing the fruits of all your boundary setting when they were toddlers!
DeleteI get the guilts every time I have to pull the bad cop routine too but you did the right thing in following through.
ReplyDeleteThey have to understand they can't lash out whenever they don't get their own way.
It's tough, I never know if I am parenting the right way. I always doubt myself and if I refuse him something and he cries, I feel like the worst mother in the world!
If you find a way to parent guilt free, you'll be well on your way to make a million!
Thank you for your reassurance - I know I did the right thing - it's just horrid (for me) doing it - although it is vital. I don't think guilt free parenting will ever exist!
DeleteExactly the same as you in this house. I pick my battles (my husband needs to learn to do this!) but if the line crossed is looking like a dot to the children it is the thinking step (for J2) and a time out session on his own (for J1 as obv's he can't sit on the thinking step). Generally this does the job. J2 is now learning that it is much better to just sit on the step and follow the protocol (we had weeks of him not quite understanding that he had to sit - for two minutes - until the cooker timer bleeps. Then he must tell me why he is on the thinking step, so I know he has acknowledged why he is on there. I re-iterate why what he did was wrong. He apologises to relevant person. Hugs, kiss, forgotten. I do get the 'guilt' though, especially on the rare occasion J1 has to go in time out (he is 8 - so 8 minutes thinking time which seems like forever for me!).
ReplyDeleteSuch a mine field isn't it - sometimes younger dad thinks I'm being too slack - but then he's not the one at home all day. The times Little A has to go on the thinking cushion, I have to hold her down as there's no way she'll sit on her own yet - sounds like you have a plan that works in your home - one that caters to the needs of both your children!
DeleteI think you handled this brilliantly. I read it on a bus and couldnt respond then. They'll only push harder as they get older so it's important to be firm. My youngest stopped hitting out but has gone back to it and I'm at my wits' end! Haven't heard of the double positive thing, so will try that too. XX
ReplyDeleteThank you - you are very right, and Little A is really pushing right now - thing is, they are looking for the boundary. Like your youngest, Little A has 'hitting spurts', and each time she tries to take it that bit further, which means I have to be that bit firmer. I don't like it though. X.
DeleteOh, I hate those spells they go through of testing the boundaries. When you know that they're a good kid, but they just want to test you. You handled this so well though, because it's exactly at those times you have to be really firm. I think as long as you always explain really clearly why a punishment is happening, and make sure its proportionate to the crime, then you're on the right path. Does always feel horrible though, doesn't it?
ReplyDeleteWe went through a spell about a year ago where it seemed like poor T was on his time out step almost every day, but after a few weeks of that it all settled down, and as far as I can remember we've only had to do that once in about the last six months. So it's worth putting the effort in early, and being rewarded in the longer term with a happy, stable child who understands the boundaries.
xx
Thank you for your supportive comment! You are very right, it's tough, but as long as you explain why the punishment is happening it makes things a lot clearer - It's certainly clear with Little A when I explain the situation to her! Putting in the boundaries now should hopefully mean less of a headache when she gets older!
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